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How to Get Your Kids to Do Their Homework

Last Updated: May 10, 2023 References

This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW and by wikiHow staff writer, Sophia Latorre . Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR). This article has been viewed 465,732 times.

Parents around the world would love the magic formula to encourage kids to do their homework. Alas, it's not as simple as waving a wand, but there are some methods for encouraging your kids to develop and stick to a regular homework routine. For some parents, effective encouragement will also be about changing your own approach to homework enforcement. Don't worry, it's not hard, it's just about taking a moment to work it through. Create a homework space and schedule, establish clear expectations, rewards, and consequences, and approach homework positively.

Creating a Homework Space and Schedule

• For example, if your kids do their homework at the dinner table, unpack the box to give them access to their supplies when it’s time to do homework. Pack up the box and move it off the table when they’re finished.

• Allow your kids to have a say in creating the schedule. If they feel like their opinions have been heard and considered, they’re more likely to stick to the plan.
• Agree on homework-free times, such as Friday nights or one weekend day, and allow them to plan how they use this free time.

Establishing Expectations, Rewards, and Consequences

• Occasional rewards for a special project done really well can be a great boost but regular material rewards are best avoided.
• When your child does their homework, tell them that you are really proud of them for being organized, timely, proactive, etc. It is important to define the exact reason why you are proud so that they know what to keep up.

• Keep your message simple, reminding your kids what you have agreed upon together when discussing how they'd approach homework and expressing both disappointment and a hope to see things return to normal the next day.

• For example, if your child forgets their homework or books at school, don’t spend hours tracking down a maintenance worker to let you into the building so you can retrieve their forgotten items. If they can find a way to get them, great, and if not, they’ll have to suffer the consequences.

• Naturally, if you have a child with learning or other disabilities, you may need to adjust this hands-off approach. Don't be afraid to seek support from professional people skilled in your child's particular disability; they may be able to provide you with additional strategies.

Approaching Homework Positively

• You should still keep a positive attitude toward homework. Don’t agree with your kid when they say, “Homework sucks. I wish I didn’t have to do it.” Instead, reply with something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but once you finish your homework you can invite a friend over.”

• For example, if your child wants to be a marine biologist, tell them that they’ll need good grades in school to get into a college where they can earn a degree in biology, zoology, or ecology.
• For example, tell your would-be actor that they won’t be able to memorize their lines if they’re not a stellar reader. Encourage them to read and memorize parts of their textbook for practice.

Altering Your Own Involvement

Expert Q&A

• When the teacher asks that you have a part in your child's homework, do it! Working with your child's teacher will show your child that authority figures at school and home or on the same team. Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0
• Encourage professional presentation and neatness. If they're producing messy homework, try to catch them in the process and encourage a neater effort. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
• Keep up to date with your child's school life. Talk with their teacher regularly to ensure you know the purpose of your child's assignments and understand the rules in class. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

You Might Also Like

• ↑ https://sparksofgenius.wordpress.com/2007/05/14/train-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-arguing/
• ↑ http://sparksofgenius.wordpress.com/2007/05/14/train-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-arguing/
• ↑ https://fosteringperspectives.org/fp_vol1no1/articles_vol1no1/ignoring_effective_way.htm
• ↑ https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-homework-battle-how-to-get-children-to-do-homework/
• ↑ https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/08/100819173846.htm
• ↑ http://www2.ed.gov/parents/academic/involve/homework/part_pg2.html#2

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How to Get Kids to Do Their Homework and Raise Self-Starters

Homework is one of the best opportunities for kids to practice being self-starters. But how can parents encourage this self-reliance in their kids and avoid fighting over homework?

It had been nearly an hour since my eight-year-old had begun her vocabulary homework. With four pages still to go, she was on the verge of tears and sleepiness as we approached bedtime.

She was overwhelmed and in over her head.

The issue wasn’t an exorbitant amount of homework, but rather that she had left this assignment for the last minute. With a week to complete a unit in her workbook, she hadn’t planned carefully enough, and now was scrambling to get it done the evening before it was due.

This was the first year my oldest had received homework. Wanting to give her a sense of ownership over this responsibility, I had generally let her determine when and how to complete her work .

But as I sat beside her and saw her struggle, I wondered if I had done too little to coach her in time management. Not wanting to become a dreaded helicopter parent, I had probably overcompensated in the opposite direction.

The RIGHT way to get kids to do homework, according to experts

After this experience, I felt a little lost – wondering how much checking in with kids about their homework was too much and how much was too little. Where was the balance?

Searching for answers, I decided to dig into this topic. After identifying three experts in this field, I reached out to them and arranged interviews. Here’s what they told me:

In the early years, actively coach kids on organization and time management

The first thing I learned, not surprisingly, is that my approach to letting my daughter figure out time management on her own was all wrong.

The experts I spoke to pointed out that few young kids have executive functioning skills or the ability to plan ahead when they first begin receiving homework – often in early elementary school. This lack of organizational understanding can be a barrier to getting homework done.

Here’s what they suggest parents do to help their kids develop these skills:

• Set up a specific place for kids to do homework: Betsy Brown Braun , a child development and behavior specialist, believes that kids should have a special place where homework is completed other than the dining room table or kitchen counter. “Kids should have a place of their own – like a desk,” she says. “We want to set them up to respect homework.” This creates a physical place kids associate with doing work, and later with planning for doing work.
• Have a homework routine : Kids benefit from knowing there’s a certain time every day set aside for doing homework, according to Ann Dolin, owner of Educational Connections , a tutoring company in the metropolitan D.C. area. The hour doesn’t have to be the same every day – especially if afterschool activities vary each afternoon. But kids should have a general sense of when homework time takes place. And Braun suggests that parents should involve their children in deciding when this time should be: “Because that shows his responsibility in it,” she says. Knowing there’s a specific time to do homework gets kids in the habit of setting aside time each day to complete their work.
• Ask kids if they need a reminder: Braun suggests asking your child if they want a reminder when the agreed-upon homework time approaches. Ask if they’d like for you to set an alarm or simply tell them when it’s time. By taking ownership of being aware of when it’s time for homework, they’ll start to move towards taking ownership of managing their workload.
• Help kids get started – and then walk away: At this young age, some kids might feel overwhelmed by the idea of simply getting started with their work. Parents can help by making sure their kids understand the directions. But after kids have completed a few problems in an assignment, both Dolin and Braun agree that parents should then walk away and let kids independently complete the work on their own. Completing each assignment independently is, again, a stepping stone towards independently managing the flow of homework assignments.
• Make a rule that homework isn’t considered complete until it’s in your child’s backpack: A good habit to form early on is to make sure homework goes right into kids backpacks as soon as it’s done, Dolin says. This avoids any assignments being turned in late.
• Make sure kids have some downtime: After a long day of school and activities, kids need a bit of downtime before digging into homework. “Most kids need at least a half hour to unwind,” Dolin suggests. This downtime helps kids recharge and increases their ability to focus. Braun also emphasizes that parents need to watch out for overscheduling after-school activities and making sure these don’t supersede homework.

Help kids plan their homework with this weekly homework planner. Click on the link below to access the planner. In addition to receiving the planner, you’ll also be signed up for my weekly-ish newsletter with tips on how to raise independent, self-reliant kids:

Eventually, kids can independently manage homework on their own

Every child is different. But after a year or two of getting help from parents on these intermediary steps towards better time-management, most kids are ready to take on independently the full responsibility of homework management.

But how can parents know if their child is ready? “By asking a lot of questions”, Dolin says.

“How might you organize this? How long are you going to spend on this? Depending on their answers to these questions you can tell if they can be independent,” she says.

Questions about organization and time management also help kids begin problem-solving on their own. And once you’ve seen a consistent pattern of kids having a well-thought-out plan for completing their homework, you can begin to step back and let kids manage their own time.

Ready to teach your child life skills? These cards can help! Each card in this eighty-one deck contains a skill your child can begin practicing with you or on their own. Click here or the image below to learn more.

Ways parents sabotage their kids’ self-reliance with homework

Often without even knowing it, parents get in the way of their kids’ independence with homework and other responsibilities. Here are a few things to avoid in order to raise kids who are homework self-starters:

Don’t focus too heavily on the quality of the work: It’s natural for parents to want their kids to do their best school work. But leave the quality of the work up to the teacher, Dolin says. “I hear of so many fights about the quality of work between parents and students,” she says. “And then kids will start to avoid homework. The goal of homework – especially when kids are younger – is to practice skills and learn independence and responsibility.”

Braun agrees: “I don’t believe that parents should correct their kids’ homework. The quality of the homework is between the child and teacher. How else will the teacher know what the kid needs help on?” She also notes that parents often think they are helping their kids by getting involved in their homework, or not letting them fail. But parents don’t realize the message they’re sending – that their child is not capable or good enough.

Don’t create your own consequences for incomplete homework: Again, let that be between the student and the teacher. If a student doesn’t finish his homework, “he must deal with his teacher,” Dr. Frances Walfish , a family and relationship psychotherapist, says. “Don’t bail him out, criticise, or chastise him,” she continues. Let the teacher decide what the consequence will be and eventually he should begin to realize that it’s easier to get homework done the night before.

If a child declares that she won’t do her homework on a particular evening, parents can state – in a non-threatening way – that they ‘ ll write the child’s teacher and make them aware of her decision, Braun suggests. But she warns that parents still need to be alert to tiredness, an uneasiness about getting started or other reasons why kids might resisting doing their homework – and address those reasons first.

Don’t do homework with your kids :  “Don’t get in the habit of doing homework with your child too much. Parents get in the habit of doing the homework with the child and when it’s time for kids to do their homework on their own they haven’t had the experience of doing it alone,” Braun says. This gets back to the notion of making sure kids understand what they need to accomplish and then walking away to let them work on their own. “A seven or eight-year-old should be able to get his homework done on his own.” she says.

Don’t send the general message that your child isn’t capable: By constantly correcting kids – not letting them try and fail – and doing things for them that they’re capable of doing on their own, we are sending the message to kids that they aren’t capable, Braun says.  But by “working to cultivate self-reliance early on you are putting kids in a position to make them self-starters in everything including homework.”

Coaching while also letting go

After that fateful evening of disappointment and frustration, I changed my tactic in helping my daughter plan her time.

“Let’s sit down and decide when you will have an opportunity to work on your vocabulary homework for this week.” I began to ask her every Monday evening. Play practice was on Thursdays, basketball on Wednesdays. That left Monday and Tuesday as the best evenings for her to work on her assignment.

Writing out the days of the week, we determined on which evening she would have more time to get her work done.

As the weeks progressed, she became more aware of how much time was needed and how long an assignment would take. Sure, there were a few hiccups along the way, but by the end of the year, she was just about ready to tackle homework on her own.

And now that’s she’s in fifth grade, that work has paid off. While every now and then she still discovers she hasn’t allowed enough time to finish a math assignment or didn’t read her book report book quite as quickly as she had hoped, on most weeks her homework is complete – and she gets to bed on time.  

Interested in getting your kids started on chores? My four-lesson course will teach you how to get started, avoid nagging & power struggles, and keep your kids motivated. Click here or the image below to learn more.

See related:

15 Life Skills Kids Need Before They Leave Home

10 Life Lessons Kids Need to Experience Before They Leave Home

How to Raise Responsible Kids – Not Just Obedient Ones

What to do next…

1. subscribe to self-sufficient kids’ email list., 2. take one of my quizzes.

Find out if you’re raising a self-sufficient kid ( click here ) or if you’re doing too much for your kids ( click here ). At the end of each quiz, you’ll be asked to provide your email address to see the results.

3. Get your kids started on chores.

Learn how to get your child started on chores (& keep them motivated + avoid power struggles) by enrolling in my Get Your Kids Successfully Started on Chores course. Click here to learn more and sign up.

About Kerry Flatley

Hi! I’m Kerry, the mother of two girls and a certified parent educator. I believe it is possible for parents to have a supportive, loving, and warm relationship with their kids while raising them to be independent and ultimately self-sufficient. Over the years, I’ve read numerous books and articles that support this belief and I’ve put these ideas into practice with my own kids. Read more about me and Self-Sufficient Kids here.

ONLINE PARENTING COACH

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Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

When Teens Destroy Parents' Property for Revenge

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Top 10 Homework Tips

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Kids are more successful in school when parents take an active interest in their homework — it shows kids that what they do is important.

Of course, helping with homework shouldn't mean spending hours hunched over a desk. Parents can be supportive by demonstrating study and organization skills, explaining a tricky problem, or just encouraging kids to take a break. And who knows? Parents might even learn a thing or two!

Here are some tips to guide the way:

• Know the teachers — and what they're looking for. Attend school events, such as parent-teacher conferences, to meet your child's teachers. Ask about their homework policies and how you should be involved.
• Set up a homework-friendly area. Make sure kids have a well-lit place to complete homework. Keep supplies — paper, pencils, glue, scissors — within reach.
• Schedule a regular study time. Some kids work best in the afternoon, following a snack and play period; others may prefer to wait until after dinner.
• Help them make a plan. On heavy homework nights or when there's an especially hefty assignment to tackle, encourage your child break up the work into manageable chunks. Create a work schedule for the night if necessary — and take time for a 15-minute break every hour, if possible.
• Keep distractions to a minimum. This means no TV, loud music, or phone calls. (Occasionally, though, a phone call to a classmate about an assignment can be helpful.)
• Make sure kids do their own work. They won't learn if they don't think for themselves and make their own mistakes. Parents can make suggestions and help with directions. But it's a kid's job to do the learning.
• Be a motivator and monitor. Ask about assignments, quizzes, and tests. Give encouragement, check completed homework, and make yourself available for questions and concerns.
• Set a good example. Do your kids ever see you diligently balancing your budget or reading a book? Kids are more likely to follow their parents' examples than their advice.
• Praise their work and efforts. Post an aced test or art project on the refrigerator. Mention academic achievements to relatives.
• If there are continuing problems with homework, get help. Talk about it with your child's teacher. Some kids have trouble seeing the board and may need glasses; others might need an evaluation for a learning problem or attention disorder.

Homework Help for Reluctant Children

• Posted October 15, 2018
• By Heather Miller

It’s hard to fault the child who resists doing homework. After all, she has already put in a long day at school, probably been involved in afterschool activities, and, as the late afternoon spills into evening, now faces a pile of assignments. Parents feel it, too — it’s no one’s favorite time of day.

But despite its bad rap, homework plays an important role in ensuring that students can execute tasks independently. When it’s thoughtfully assigned, homework provides deeper engagement with material introduced in class. And even when it’s “just” worksheets, homework can build the automatic habits and the basic skills required to tackle more interesting endeavors. Finally, homework is a nightly test of grit. Adult life brings its share of tasks that are both compulsory and unenjoyable. Developing the discipline to fulfill our responsibilities, regardless of whether they thrill us, begins in middle childhood.

So how to help the avoidant child embrace the challenge, rather than resist it?

The first step, especially with kids 13 and under, is to have them do their homework at a communal space, like a dining room or kitchen table. If other children are in the home, they can all do their homework at the same table, and the parent can sit nearby to support the work effort. This alleviates some of the loneliness a reluctant child might associate with assignments. The alternative — doing homework at a bedroom desk — can result in the child guiltily avoiding the work for as long as possible. Like all forms of procrastination, this has the effect of making the entire process take much longer than it needs to.  

When parents turn the homework ritual into a series of conversations about what needs to be done, how, and for how long, children feel less “alone” with their nightly work, they relish the company and support of their parent, and they work better and more efficiently.

Many parents are under the impression that they shouldn’t have anything to do with their children's homework. This comes from schools emphasizing that homework is a child's responsibility, not the parents'. While it is absolutely true that parents should not do their children's homework, there is a role for parents — one that's perhaps best described as “homework project manager.” Parents can be monitoring, organizing, motivating, and praising the homework effort as it gets done. And yes, that means sitting with your child to help them stay focused and on task. Your presence sends the message that homework is important business, not to be taken lightly.

Once you’re sitting down with your child, ask him to unload his school bag and talk you through his various assignments. Maybe he has a school planner with all his homework listed, or a printout from school, or perhaps his work is listed on the classroom website. Many children attend an afterschool program where, in theory, they are doing homework. They’ll often claim that they’ve done all their homework, even though they’ve only done some. Together, make a quick and easy “Done/To Do” list. Writing down what she has finished will give her a sense of satisfaction. Identifying what she still needs to do will help her to focus on the remaining assignments. Over time, this practice will help your child build an understanding that large tasks are completed incrementally.

Next, ask your child to put the assignments in the order he’d like to do them. Encourage him to explain his thinking. Doing this helps a child feel in control of the evening’s tasks and prompts him to reflect on his work style. Discuss the first task of the night together. Ask your child to think about the supplies he is likely to need, and ensure they’re at the ready. This “pre-work” work helps a child think through a task, understand it, and prepare to execute it with gusto.

Last but not least, introduce a timer to the evening’s proceedings. Challenge your child to estimate how long the first assignment will take. Then ask, “Do you want me to set the timer for the full amount of time you think you’ll need, or a smaller amount?” Then, set the timer with the understanding that the child must work without interruption until the timer goes off. Even questions are verboten while the timer runs. The goal here is to enable the child to solve problems independently, through concentration. This not only builds concentration powers, it builds creativity, critical thinking, resilience, and resourcefulness. In my experience, the theatricality of being timed helps relax children who would otherwise feel daunted by a mountain of homework.

As each piece of work gets done, parents can add meaningful positive reinforcement. Exclaiming, “Another assignment done! And done well!” helps your child feel like what they are doing matters.

By turning the homework ritual into a series of conversations about what needs to be done, how, and for how long, children feel less “alone” with their nightly work, they relish the company and support of their parent, and they complete the work much more efficiently and at a higher standard than they might otherwise.

Helping the Homework Resisters

• Have children do their work at a communal table. Stay nearby, to alleviate the loneliness that some kids feel — and to prevent procrastination.
• Ask your child to unload her backpack and talk through assignments.
• Help your child make a "Done/To Do" list.
• Ask your child to put the assignments in the order he’d like to do them. Encourage him to explain his thinking — fostering a sense of control.
• Use a timer. Challenge your child to estimate how long an assignment will take, and ask if she wants to set the timer for that full amount of time, or less. 
• Your role: To monitor, organize, motivate, and praise the homework effort as each piece is done. 

Additional Resource

• More about Heather Miller's work to help parents create healthy routines on weeknights

Usable Knowledge

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Helping Kids with Homework: 11 Easy & Do-Able Tips for Parents

Tips for Smart Parenting 09/21/2021 11 minute read

Homework is the bane of every student, as it is for the parents.

As a matter of fact, homework is not even necessary in the first place.

Before you react, there are countless studies to validate this claim. But even if we go on a hard-fought, well-thought, debate on whether homework is important or not, homework is here to stay. 

That said, helping kids with their take-home assignments is a duty we have to fulfill. But how exactly do we do it?

Below are actionable parenting tips to help your kids with their homework without doing it for them!

You might be interested:  How to Support Kids Learning Science and Why it Matters?

Parenting Tips on How to Do Homework with Kids

We used to believe that parental availability and support while kids do their assignments is key for their class success. "The more involved parents are, the better off they would be," so to speak. 

But that is a misconception and sometimes may even be counterproductive. As Kathleen Reilly said:

“When parents are overly immersed in homework, they deny kids the chance to become more independent and confident. Worse, it can breed anxiety along the way.” 

Helping kids with homework means that you offer your support but never treat the assignment like it's your responsibility. It's challenging, but kids need to do homework on their own because the assignments deal with lessons already discussed in class. Plus, answering homework by themselves is a good way to teach independent learning .

With that in mind, here are the homework tips for parents:

1. Work Out a Working Routine

Believe it or not, children love routines because they create structure .

This helps children feel more secure because they know what to do and what's expected of them.

Face it, nobody likes homeworks. But make it easier for your kids to do their's by doing routines such as below:

What time should they start? Set a definite time when they should do their homeworks. Will it be right after they arrive from school? Should they play for an hour first? Would they do it after shower time or after dinner?

Where is their homework place? The place they choose is likely the area they feel most comfy working in. That element adds extra help when doing homework. Find a place and stick with it.

If you have multiple kids, distinct routines for each are fine. What matters is that you enforce discipline and commitment to the schedule. Write the details on a sheet of paper and post their routines on the wall!

2. Make a Homework Plan

The routine simply tackles the when and where kids do their assignments. A homework plan focuses on how they do it. 

Doing homework needs to be systematic , both for you and the child. Approach homework from a systematic point of view and you save yourselves time and whine.

The example below is the system I found most suited for my children. You can follow it or fashion your own process, whichever works best. Here's what my kids do:

Read  the directions of the homework, twice.

Determine the goal and the steps needed to achieve it.

Divide the assignment into several chunks (if logically possible).

Set time limits for each portion and mark each as complete when finished.

Helping kids with homework is not about giving them all the answers. It's about  strategizing on how to finish the homework effectively and efficiently.

3. Monitor, Don't Correct

Let's get back to basics .

What is the purpose of homework?

Homework allows teachers to gauge what the students understood in class. That said, mistakes are welcomed.

But since most parents dread the idea of making mistakes, they try to  correct each flaw too often all for a perfect remark.

Word of advice: Teachers are well-aware of how your kids perform in class, so they know the truth.

My point is, remove the notion of absolute perfection from your kids.

It's okay to make mistakes, as long as they learn how to correct them on their own ! There should be no pressure on them to avoid mistakes at all costs. Encourage an atmosphere of growth. But, make it clear to your kids they should resolve their mistakes the next time around, once they understand the correct answer.

Do this instead:

Allow your kids to ask you up to 3 questions on their homework. But, be stingy on answering their questions right away.

When they ask, reply to them something like "I can help you once I finish my chores" or "Read it again, I'll be back in a sec."

You might not realize it, but this is one subtle way to help kids with homework. When you delay your aid, you gently force them to reread the directions and rework the problem on their own.

Monitor and ask them probing questions on the reason behind their homework answers.

4. Set an Example to Imitate

Helping kids how to do homework can also mean modeling the behavior to them. This is a parenting hack that most parents fail to practice.

It can be a good motivating factor for the kids if you do chores like budgeting or computing household expenses at the same time they do their assignments.

This is one indirect way to teach kids how to do homework. Set a good example and you'll find them following your footsteps.

5. Don't Sit Beside Them

Sitting and closely monitoring your kids as they answer homework is not at all helpful.

Behind the scenes, it sends a message to their brains that you might think they can't do the work without direct supervision.

Would you like that? Of course not!

Helping kids with their homework should also tap into the emotional aspect of learning. Show them that you trust their brains by letting them do their assignment on their own. Otherwise, you shatter their self-confidence leading to feelings of inferiority.

Here are my suggestions:

Stay nearby, do chores, balance your checks, wash dishes. Basically, just be there for them, without literally sitting beside them.

6. Establish the No-Nonsense Responsibility

Make the duties of each member in the family clear.

Of course, both you and your partner have work responsibilities, and so do the kids! They're expected to be diligent with their responsibilities:

Attend classes

Work with their teachers

And of course... do their homeworks

Once they agreed to a working routine and a homework plan , then there is no turning back. Tell them to buckle their seats until they finish their tasks. Discipline matters just as much as intellect and system when dealing with homework.

7. Teach Them Time Management 

Time management is the one of the most important tools for productivity.

Once your kids learn the benefits of being in control of their time, they position themselves to a life of success. Time management is not only relevant for homework. Instilling this behavior is a must from the get-go.

One tip is using an old analog wall clock and coloring in the hour when they should do answer their homework. Once the short arm reaches it, teach them to take initiative to do their tasks.

Help them in sorting the time out too, especially, if there are multiple homework in one seating.

8. Positive Reinforcement is a Great Hack

They say the best way to man's heart is through their stomach. Well, the best way to a child's heart is through snacks and treats . (I made that up)

Instead of threatening them to limit their TV watching time or call their teachers, why not compensate their efforts with some good ol' sweets? 

Reinforcing their diligence pushes them more to do it. Scare tactics are not as good as rewards to encourage a behavior. Although, do the positive reinforcement practice sparingly.  

Appreciating their efforts is another way to help kids with homework as this motivates them. You can do this by:

Posting their aced assignments or exams

Displaying their art projects on the fridge

It showcases how much you value their efforts and how proud you are of them.

9. Walk Away Once the Whine Fest Starts

How does walking away help kids on how to do homework? Well, it doesn't. It's more for your benefit than them.

Having a rough day at work is physically and mentally exhausting . Add another layer of whining because kids don't want to do their assignments, and you enter a whole new level of stress .

If they keep on complaining, check their homework progress.

If they are only being grumpy even when they can do it, then try to motivate them. Tell them that the sooner they finish, the more time they'd have to watch their favorite TV shows .

If the homework is indeed truly difficult, then lend them a hand.

Ask their teacher about it, especially if the homework is beyond the kid's level of understanding. Inquire if it's appropriate to give kids complex problems. Their teachers would love to hear feedback from parents, on top of that, to aid the pupils with their homework!

10. Let Them Take the Lead

Their Homework is not only a test of one's learning but also of a kid's sense of responsibility .

Their answers should be theirs and they must own up if they fail to do it. If they left their homework at home, then parents shouldn't bail their kids out by bringing their assignments to class.

Matt Vaccaro, a first-grade teacher, says that he makes students do their assignment during recess if they forget to do it at home.

According to him "Once she starts missing playtime, she gets the message."

This seemingly harsh yet rightful way to deal with their negligence actually motivates the kids to be responsible in the succeeding homework. 

Helping them how to do homework is as necessary as teaching them to be responsible for it.

11. Keep Your Composure and Carry On

Homework meltdowns do occur, so be ready!

These are children's ways of saying they're overwhelmed . And sometimes these kids are indeed struggling so bad. 

Parents, please keep your composure. Breathe and stay calm . You risk compromising their progress if you too burst out in frustration. Remember that homework is an opportunity to cultivate better parent-child relationships .

Here are ways to address homework meltdowns:

A simple hug might do

Speak words of affirmation like "we'll figure it out"

Let them vent out to you while you listen calmly

Sometimes, kids just need to blow off some steam. Catering to these needs are subtle ways of helping kids with homework. See the mood change after they've burst the bubble.

If ever you did lash out (although we hope not). Apologize immediately and tell your child that you both need a timeout for 10 minutes. They can play for within that period and resume working on the homework once the time is up.

Helping kids with homework is a dual purpose. You make homework accomplishment more manageable for them and you make life easier for you. Consider the above homework tips next time your kids have assignments.

The How-to-do-Homework Hack!

Some kids might still see learning as a chore, and that's okay. I mean, who likes to wake up early and be in class when they can play at home all day?

Making the most out of their curiosity helps transform their perception of learning — from a tedious and boring chore to a fun and interactive learning experience. We believe that the way to encourage kids to do their homework is by making them see the fun in learning.

The best way to do this is using educational toys! 

The STEMscope portable microscope is a good tool to cultivate your child's curiosity. This handheld science gadget is an all-around partner for your kid's best learning! 

Once they activate their curiosity, they develop the insatiable desire to learn, after that, they will see homework as fun learning opportunity!

Check out our complete catalog of science toys to find the best toy for your kid!

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How Parents Can Help Children Who Struggle with Homework

A s a parent, it’s tough to see your child struggle with homework, and, of course, you feel the need to help. However, helping your child too much can make them dependent on you, so it’s important to know where to draw the line. The best approach is to help your child improve their study habits and skills so that they will have fewer problems with homework. 

Ways to help your child overcome their struggle with homework 

Help your child develop a positive attitude toward learning .

As adults, we resent being forced to do things we don’t want to do and our children are no different. Kids who have a negative attitude toward learning are more likely to struggle with homework. A simple way to help your child develop a positive attitude toward learning is to show them what’s in it for them.

For instance, if your child dreams of becoming a pilot, you can make a colorful flowchart showing how studying hard now can help her achieve her goals. Even if your child doesn’t know what she wants to become when she grows up, you can show her that there are endless possibilities if she studies diligently. This will provide your child with an incentive to learn, which will help to reduce issues with homework. 

Establish a daily homework routine 

A daily homework routine is very important as it sends your child the message that schoolwork is top priority. It is best to start this routine when your child is still young so that he or she will adjust to it and is less likely to struggle with homework issues later on. It is best to schedule homework time before TV or gaming time, and make sure that your child understands that they will not be allowed to watch TV or get on their phones until their homework is finished. 

Create a workspace for homework  

Think of your cubicle at work – it limits distractions, yet allows you to have a quick word with a team member when necessary – which is exactly what your child requires. If your child is struggling with their homework, they are more likely to get distracted. This is why a dedicated workspace is so important.

When deciding on the location of your child’s workspace consider if it’s going to be free of noise and distractions. For instance, don’t set up your child’s workspace in the living room if other family members will be watching TV during that time. 

Create a homework strategy that works for them 

A homework strategy will help your child track and complete multiple assignments without feeling overwhelmed by the workload. Some kids prefer to start with easier homework assignments and then move on to the tougher ones while others prefer to complete the more difficult tasks first.

A simple but effective way to help your child overcome their struggle with homework is to let your child experiment with multiple strategies until they find one that works. Younger kids have shorter attention spans so let your child take a five-minute break between assignments if necessary. 

And, for every age, if study periods run long, incorporate “ brain breaks .” We actually become less productive when we sit too long. A short break allows us to re-focus, destress, and work more effectively. (Pick up our Energizing Brain Breaks Printable for Kids here .)

Use multisensory techniques and study aids  

Researchers have found evidence that students learn a new concept more easily when it is taught using multiple modalities such as sight, hearing, and touch. For instance, when teaching your child a new word, tell him or her to say the word out loud while tracing it in salt or cornmeal using their fingertips. They should repeat this process several times, and then use a pencil to write down the word. This is especially helpful for tricky sight word for kids that don’t follow phonetic patterns. Engaging multiple senses in the learning process will make it easier for your child to study and will reduce their struggle with homework.

Similarly, if your child is older and having trouble with fractions, you can use an apple to help them understand the concept. You can cut an apple into equal portions, and then use the pieces to explain fractions in an innovative and enjoyable manner. You can even let them eat the pieces each time they get the right answer. These simple study aids will help to make learning fun for your child and help them overcome homework problems.

It’s equally important to pinpoint the root cause of homework issues, as it might just be a temporary problem. For instance, if your child has been sick with the flu, they may not have their usual energy, in which case, you can step in and help. Similarly, if your child is prone to seasonal allergies, they might find it tougher to focus during summer or fall, which would affect their studies. You can experiment with several natural ways to treat seasonal allergies in order to help your child recover quickly. 

Any mental stressors are important to address as well. Consult a professional for serious concerns, of course, but every child can benefit from mindfulness activities .

Parents, do you have any other ideas to help children who struggle with homework? Leave us a comment.

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Fun Mindfulness Activities for Kids: 6 Free PDF Printables

Energizing Brain Breaks + a Free Printable

Free Words of Affirmation for Kids Coloring Pages

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How Much Should I Help My Child With Their Homework?

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• Pre-K and Kindergarten
• School-Aged Children
• Middle and High School

What If My Child Never Asks for Help?

• What to Do If You Have Concerns

It's fairly normal for homework to be a task dreaded by most kids. But when you become a parent, you might find that you dread homework just as much as your children do! Simply getting kids to sit down and work can be a struggle, and fitting homework into a family’s busy schedule can also be challenging. Not only that, but it can be really hard to watch a child wrestle with the material.

As such, most parents want to intervene in some way. Yet many end up feeling confused about their role when it comes to homework. How much should you push a child who is having trouble applying themselves to the task? How much help should you offer? And what if your child doesn’t seem to need your help with homework at all?

Here, we’ll connect with experts regarding the best approach to helping your child with their homework, broken down by age.

How Much Homework Help Should My Pre-K Child or Kindergartener Need?

Above all else, the work of a pre-K or kindergarten-aged kid should be to engage in play, says Bibi Pirayesh, Ed.D., founder and educational therapist at OneOfOneKids.org . “It's also important to do activities that support motor functions, sound-letter correspondence, and informal math,” she says. “But what parents should really encourage is children’s natural sense of wonder and wanting to initiate challenge and learning, not perfection.”

Still, sometimes children this age are assigned homework, though most of the time the workload is light, and children are given leeway in terms of what they are expected to accomplish. When it comes to learning outside of school at these ages, Katelyn Rigg, M.Ed., a literacy and reading specialist, says that your job as a parent is to be a “coach” for your child, working to reinforce the concepts they're already studying at school.

“For example, if the students are learning the letter B, parents can take the opportunity to talk about the letter, go on a scavenger hunt for things around the house that start with the 'B' sound, and practice letter formation using kinesthetic experiences like playdough,” Rigg suggests.

Above all else, don’t push your young child when it comes to homework. “The most important goal of this stage should be to associate school and learning with positive emotions,” Dr. Pirayesh says. The aim is to encourage children to branch out, try things on their own, and support their efforts.

How Much Homework Help Should My School-Aged Child Need?

Homework becomes more of a “thing” as your child gets a little older, though it tends to be light in early elementary school, increasing in amount as the years pass. Typically by third grade , kids receive up to three assignments per week, and homework can take up to 20 minutes. Fourth and fifth graders may get daily homework, lasting about 30 minutes or sometimes more.

In elementary school, homework focuses on concepts children are studying in class, and its purpose is to practice and reinforce what’s already been learned, says Brianna Leonhard, certified teacher, board certified behavior analyst (BCBA), and founder of Third Row Adventures . As such, children should be able to do the vast majority of their homework on their own, without much help.

Still, many children want or need a bit of help with their homework in elementary school, and that’s perfectly normal, says Rigg. She suggests trying an “I do / We do / You do” model for doing homework together with your child.

“A parent may do the first question, then they complete the second question with their child, and finally, the child completes the final question on their own,” Rigg describes. This idea can be adapted to whatever homework or academic skills your child is working on. “It allows parents to be involved and supportive of their child's education, but also leads children to develop independence.”

How Much Homework Help Should My Tween or Teen Need?

Homework will become more of an independent task for your child as they age. However, they may need some hand-holding as they make the transition from elementary school to middle school, where they are suddenly getting homework from multiple teachers instead of just one.

During the tween and early teen years, kids are still developing their executive functioning skills—tools that help them plan and execute tasks, says Dr. Pirayesh. You can support them by implementing "scaffolding," which involves helping them break up tasks into smaller, more manageable chunks, and setting up clear daily goals.

Homework during high school should still be mostly about practicing skills already taught and is not meant to teach new material, says Leonhard. So if a parent is having to spend time teaching their tween or teen the material covered on the homework, they should reach out to the child’s teacher in the event they're having trouble grasping what's being studied in class.

That said, homework in high school can be challenging, and your child might be struggling because of the increasing difficulty in topics. If your child can mostly complete the task at hand, but needs a little additional help from you from time to time, that’s typically not a problem, she adds.

Students with learning disabilities such as ADHD may need more parental assistance with homework, says Riggs. That’s also typical and okay. “Teachers may not be able to find the time to provide this added support for students, so parents may have to provide it at home,” she explains. “Parents can also support teenagers who may need assistance with studying and organizational skills, while helping find strategies that work for their children to prepare them for adulthood.”

Some kids never seem to need help with homework, and that can be just as confusing for parents as kids who need endless help. If your child is getting by without help, there’s no need to intervene.

“As long as a parent knows that the child is completing the required homework, meeting the grade-level expectations, and understanding the content, then this is perfectly fine,” Riggs says. “Parents should make sure they are asking their independent children about what they're learning, what their homework is, and offering help if they need it.”

What to Do If You Have Concerns About Your Child’s Homework

When your child is struggling with homework or seems to need a greater than average amount of assistance, you might be wondering what you should do. First of all, you shouldn’t assume that incredibly challenging homework is something that is typical, says Dr. Pirayesh.

“I think many parents assume that homework being a nightmare is normal,” she explains. "But it can be a sign that something deeper is going on.” Your child could potentially have a learning disability, she says, or they just may need more effective daily routines around completing assignments.

Whatever the case, don’t blame your child for the difficulty—your best bet is to connect with your child’s teacher sooner than later, Dr. Pirayesh offers. Talk to the school about what is going on during homework time, and discuss what options might be available to make it more manageable for your child.

Riggs agrees that building an effective partnership with your child’s teacher is imperative. “As a teacher, I am so grateful when a parent asks about their child's learning and wants to be an active participant in helping their child be successful,” she says.

Of course, if you have concerns about your child's learning, it's also a good idea to speak with their pediatrician or healthcare provider.

A Word From Verywell

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to how involved a parent should be during homework time. The goal is for your child to become more independent as they get older. For the most part, it makes sense to go with your instincts in terms of how much to assist or when to pull back. At the same time, homework should not be a nightly struggle, and if that's the case for your family, you shouldn’t hesitate to reach out to your child’s teacher for help.

National Education Association. The Power of Play in Kindergarten .

Learning Disabilities Association of America. How Much Time Should Be Spent on Homework?

Harvard University Center on the Developing Child. Executive Function & Self-Regulation .

National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. What are some signs of learning disabilities?

By Wendy Wisner Wendy Wisner is a lactation consultant and writer covering maternal/child health, parenting, general health and wellness, and mental health. She has worked with breastfeeding parents for over a decade, and is a mom to two boys.

How to Get Your Resistant Adult Child to Find a Job

Help your adult child break through job-seeking anxiety in 6 ways..

Updated March 30, 2024 | Reviewed by Ray Parker

• A Parent's Role
• Find a family therapist near me
• Anxiety about potential failure, rejection, or the unknown outcomes of job seeking can sabotage motivation.
• Parents can support their job-resistant adult children via open communication and setting realistic goals.
• The ultimate aim is to empower adult children to take charge of their job search.
• There's no way I'm going to work for some crappy boss. (Bobby, 23 years old, flunked out of two colleges that were "not the right fit.")
• Dad, seriously? What the hell? You support Mom all the time. You know you can afford for me not to work. I told you—I'm getting myself together and will go back to college next year. (Emma, 26 years old, is refusing to go back to her job at a front desk at a gym or seek a new job.)
• Just wait. I'll be laughing at your sorry butt when my music makes me rich and you are still working. (Kevin, age 22, dropped out of community college and refused to get work.)
• Mom, you know Shandra (Seth's ex-wife) is a total b*tch. Why should I go back to work just to pay her alimony? (Seth, a 39-year-old physician.)

The above words represent those of adult children I have either spoken with or been told about by parents I coach. Here's how to help your job-resistant adult child find employment.

Anxiety Leads to Avoidance

While not being expressed directly, anxiety underlies all of the quotes from the examples of job-resistant adult children at the beginning of this post. Their internalized overwhelming worry about potential failure, rejection, or the unknown outcomes of seeking jobs robs them of motivation , making it difficult to take the necessary steps toward securing employment.

This anxiety may manifest in avoidance behaviors such as procrastination , perfectionism , or even withdrawing from opportunities altogether. Additionally, the pressure to live up to expectations, whether self-imposed or from external sources, can exacerbate these feelings of anxiety, further impeding the job search process. As a result, even if they possess the skills and qualifications needed for employment, pervasive anxiety can prevent them from confidently pursuing job opportunities and realizing their full potential in the workforce.

Here are some strategies, along with examples, to guide you in this process:

6 Strategies to Empower Your Adult Child to Get a Job

1. Open Communication: Work to create a supportive and nonjudgmental environment where your adult child feels comfortable discussing their concerns and aspirations. Encourage open conversations about their career goals, interests, and any challenges they may be facing in the job search process.

For example, Emma's father, Ron, instead of criticizing Emma for her seemingly high levels of entitlement and lack of effort, took a different route. He was able to engage her more effectively by simply saying, "I've noticed you seem unsure about what you want to do next. Would you like to calmly talk about it?" This led to Emma breaking down and sharing her feelings of anxiety and vulnerability, which she acknowledged to her father had stymied her job-seeking activities.

2. Identify Strengths and Interests: Help your adult child recognize their strengths, skills, and interests. This can involve reflecting on past experiences, hobbies, or academic achievements. By understanding their strengths, they can narrow down potential career options that align with their interests.

For instance, Bobby's mother, using gentle humor , helped him recognize his untapped communication and persuasion skills. This led Bobby to explore opportunities in content writing and marketing . Bobby then found an exciting opportunity for a less conventional job role. He got hired to help develop content for an influencer he met online with whom he had exchanged witty banter for a few months.

3. Encourage Realistic Goals: Collaborate with your adult child to set achievable short-term and long-term goals related to their job search. Break down the process into manageable steps such as updating their resume, networking, and applying for a certain number of jobs per week.

For example, Kevin mentioned at the beginning of this post, with gentle encouragement from his parents, attended a music-interest-related networking event. He acknowledged to his parents that the "people there were pretty cool." One of those "cool people" offered Kevin a job as a music assistant at a local church. Kevin beamed when speaking about this new opportunity.

4. Provide Supportive Resources: Offer practical assistance by helping your adult child with tasks such as resume writing, job searching, and interview preparation. Share relevant articles, online courses, or workshops that can enhance their skills and knowledge in their chosen field.

For instance, Emma, as mentioned earlier, after her father created a safe space for communication, discovered she was interested in graphic design. She then pursued online tutorials and an associate's degree to improve her design skills further. Emma now works as a junior-level graphic designer for a marketing company.

5. Encourage Independence: Amid his anger and pain from his divorce , Seth had not realized he could get back to work with temporary physician assignments. Partly, what got in his way (enabling him to be overtaken with anger, grief , and anxiety) from exploring opportunities was his well-meaning mother giving him large sums of money.

While it's important for parents to be supportive, parents should also encourage their adult children to take ownership of their responsibilities. Empower them to make their own decisions and learn from their experiences, whether it's through researching job opportunities, reaching out to contacts, or following up on applications.

In Seth's case, he pursued locum tenens positions as a physician. As soon as he started his second temporary position, the staff and patients loved his work and provided him with a renewed sense of purpose. Adding to Seth's increased zeal to return to work was the warm, caring vibes of a nurse colleague with whom he established a meaningful romantic connection.

6. Seek Professional Help if Needed: If your adult child continues to struggle with finding employment despite your efforts, consider seeking guidance from career counselors or mental health professionals. They can provide personalized advice, assessment tools, and support tailored to your child's specific needs and challenges. Sometimes, external perspectives can offer valuable insights and strategies to overcome obstacles in the job search process.

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, helping a resistant adult child find a job requires patience, empathy, and effective communication. By fostering open dialogue, identifying strengths and interests, setting realistic goals, providing supportive resources, encouraging independence, and seeking professional help if needed, parents can empower their children to take proactive steps toward employment. Ultimately, the goal is to instill confidence and self-reliance in their professional pursuits while offering unwavering support along the way.

©Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. , is a psychologist and the author of seven books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

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‘How Do I Find Child Care Without Losing My Mind?’

Dear Emily,

Ever since my first child needed a day-care spot, I’ve found the process of securing child care to be extremely stressful. Spots are limited in my city and every time my kids need a new care set-up — preschool, before- and after-school care, spring break and summer camps, etc. — it throws our household into a drama spiral as we navigate applications and registration portals and waitlists. There’s (mostly in my head) tension with other families competing for spots, as well as tension in my marriage around division of labor and whose life gets taken over by the process (usually mine).

When all of my parent-and-baby-group friends started going back to work, it became clear who could afford to hire a nanny, who could maybe swing a nanny-share with another family, and who couldn’t afford anything nanny-related and had to look for spots in day cares and preschools. Because most people are in the latter category, those spots are really hard to get. My class-based resentments linger in my friendships with families who can afford nannies. It’s not something I vocalize, but I know it makes me more of an asshole than I should be.

But I also compare myself to the people competing for child-care spots. I felt awkward around my baby-group friends as it became a race to see who could get a child-care spot and who could get highest up on the waitlist for the most popular places. The super-moms had been on top of it forever and I felt like such a loser for not having gotten my kids on a waitlist after my 20-week ultrasound. We ended up securing care through what I have learned is the most common way to do it in my city: desperate pleas on the local child-care Facebook page (a special circle of hell) and networking with friends who knew people with spots. And I somehow still resent anyone who manages to secure a coveted spot in an established child-care center because it reminds me of how not on top of these administrative-paperwork things I am.

Once my kids got to elementary school, I had a similar experience finding before- and after-school care (school runs from 8:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m., so if you want to work outside those hours you need before- and after-care). The waitlists were long full (like you get laughed at for asking to be put on it) and we found a spot last minute with a new program starting in our neighborhood. The program had its pros and cons and there was lots of chatter among the families who were dissatisfied and trying to secure spots in “better” programs. I was just happy to have care at all but felt like a bad mother for not trying to get into those other programs.

Recently, we received news that the program we’re in now won’t be running after this school year, so we’re back trying to find spots for two kids in the existing programs that won’t even waitlist us, or even really tell us how to apply. So my goal over the next few months is to find someone at those programs who will talk to me, and also be back on the child-care Facebook group (which I hate), and I’m also talking to a woman on our street who might provide after-school care. Will see what happens. I know something will work out, but it will be a lot of effort and stress before it does. How can I mitigate that stress and make this process work more smoothly for my family in the future?

Aftercare Madness

Dear Aftercare Madness,

How incredibly frustrating for this program to rear its ugly head again after you’d had a period of grace feeling like you’d finally solved it! And how fucked up and unfair that this problem exists in the first place, when really all public schools should have high-quality free or very affordable aftercare until 6 p.m. because parents have jobs. This shouldn’t be a problem that every family is left to scramble to figure out individually, and in other countries it’s not. But here we are.

First, let’s discuss the division of labor in your marriage. Why can’t your partner shoulder some of this burden? If the issue is just that you’ve done it all up until now and so all the information lives in your brain — Facebook loose ties, acquaintances who are in your phone as [Kid Name’s] Mom — you can plan a sit-down where you systematically transfer all that information into your spouse’s brain, phone, and Facebook account. It doesn’t have to be purely their responsibility from here on out, but after having done it seemingly solo for so long, I think it’s fair for you to say to them, “Hey, this round is on you.”

Like all working moms, I have dealt with this issue myself, and while I can’t say that I’ve handled it perfectly, I have gotten lucky in a couple of ways. First, my kids (5 and 8) go to a school that has good, relatively low-cost after-school programming, which unfortunately culminates around five, after which they just sit in the cafeteria stewing in their own juices and causing mayhem til six, so we try to pick them up earlier than that. The other wonderful thing in my life is that, after I got a full-time job, the first thing I did was hire the woman who’d been our part-time sitter to work a contracted number of hours per week, which includes two pickups on days we all have to be out of the house early and one afternoon per week when the kids get to escape the structure of after-school (which can feel a little like Even More School) and just hang at the playground or the library with her. On that day they get their homework done at the library and life is good. We also get occasional date nights or nights out courtesy of this same wonderful sitter. And that’s a problem, because she’s just one person, and we don’t have a robust network of backups. In fact, she just bailed on the early-morning drop-offs in May through the end of school because she got a new nannying gig. Clearly, I’m not exactly nailing it.

I wanted to get you advice from someone whose job it is to think about this stuff, so I asked Lauren Smith Brody. She’s an author and CEO of the Fifth Trimester , a consultancy that helps businesses support parents and caregiving employees, and she co-founded the national nonpartisan nonprofit the Chamber of Mothers .

Brody had a few practical suggestions, like checking your job benefits for child-care help and have your partner check theirs too. “You may have more available to you in terms of FSA reimbursement (for aftercare or camp) or back-up child care, etc., than you realize. And if you don’t have these benefits, band together with other caregivers and make a case for your employer to invest in this stuff.”

She also encourages people in our position to be visible. “Do not hide this need. I suspect that your friends — even those with the nannies — are also struggling in all kinds of ways. We can only solve problems we can see.” In 2018, Brody was doing a conference panel in front of 500 people at the exact time registration opened up for the after care program she was trying to get her sons into, so she whipped out her laptop on stage to sign them up. The clip went viral . “Years later I still hear from people about what seeing this need so nakedly displayed meant to them.”

In that spirit, Brody recommends sharing a network of trusted backup sitters with all of your friends. “If five families have a pool of ten people they all have in their phones, that’s ideal. It’s practical but also bonding, and people want to be your village more than you might realize.”

I have a slight bone to pick with that last one, which seems utopian to me — personally I now hoard my sitter’s number after having one too many plans foiled when she was busy taking care of kids whose parents I’d recommended her to. But that’s probably not the most social-justice-oriented approach, and if I had a pool of ten sitters I think I’d feel comfortable using them to bond with a village of parents.

Or, in Brody’s words: “It’s important to realize that the icky jealousy and bitterness about money you’re feeling is not a character flaw.” The system needs to change, and while it’s our responsibility to work to change it, we don’t need to feel bad about ourselves in the process.

Have a question for Emily? Email [email protected] (and read our submission terms here .)

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

How To Motivate Your Homeschool Child

By kimball lewis.

Do you homeschool your kids? Recently, a reader wrote in with this question about her 13-year-old daughter, who thinks being homeschooled means she can do work whenever she wants to.

“I know EmpoweringParents.com has written about how to get kids to do their homework, but we have a unique situation. We homeschool our two children, and while my son does his work just fine, my 13-year-old daughter refuses to do any work at all! She won’t even get up in the morning. She says that because she is homeschooled, she can work whenever and wherever she wants! I’ve tried to give her the freedom to structure her day, but she still doesn’t get her work done. She’s falling behind, and when I try to get her interested in something, she just blows up at me. I can’t just let her fail, but I am working so much harder than she is. My house is a battle zone all day long, and I’m afraid my son will start to pick up her habits. What can I do?”

Homework and school behavior are often on the top of the list of concerns when parents contact us. Most of our parenting advice talks about the importance of structure and enlisting the aid of teachers and other school officials to help your child improve their behavior. But what happens when you are the teacher, the principal — and the school nurse?

Work on One Behavior at a Time

Sit down with your kids and let them know what you expect of them during their school day. You might even tell them what you’ve seen them do well. Then, choose one or two behaviors you’d like them to improve or change. Help them figure out what they will do, specifically, to help them meet your expectations. Aim for specific, measurable improvements, not vague suggestions.

For example, telling your child you need to get better at following directions is a vague request, and you may not get the results you’d like. Instead, say something like this to your child:

“I need to see that you are out of bed, dressed, and ready for your English assignment by 8:30 every morning. When you are at the table and ready on time, you’ll earn half an hour of movie time that night.”

Tell your child that if they’re late or argue, they won’t earn that time. And talk with them about what they can do differently to help reach this goal. If your child fails to meet your expectations, you can remind them that they already know what to do differently to earn their privileges, and it is up to them to make those changes.

Motivate Your Child With Their Currency

As parents, we know the importance of education. We often try to get our kids to understand this importance and to take their schoolwork seriously. The truth is, kids don’t care about schoolwork the way that grown-ups do. As much as we might want to, we can’t make them care about math or science or literature. Homeschooling parents don’t have report cards or in-school suspensions to help them to force kids to take their work or their behavior seriously, either.

To more effectively convince your child to take their school day seriously, you need to use something that they value to get them to do what you value. Sit down with your kids and come up with a menu of rewards and consequences. Find out from your child what they would like to earn every day. It doesn’t have to be anything too large or extravagant it could be daily computer time, more unstructured free time, or even a later bedtime. Focus on short-term, daily privileges, not long term or big-ticket items. Understand that far off rewards are not enough of a motivation to create change in daily performance.

We often hear from parents who try to force their kids to complete their work by threatening the loss of special events or giving them additional chores to complete if they don’t behave appropriately. Just remember that you can’t punish kids into better behavior. And, if you give them an additional chore as punishment for not doing their schoolwork, you may find that you have a whole new power struggle over getting them to complete that chore!

Find out what your kids value, allow them to earn that valuable item each day, and you may find that your school day goes much more smoothly.

Don’t Start Your Day with a Power Struggle

Electronics are often a high-interest item for kids and teens. In our EmpoweringParents.com articles on homework issues, we suggest letting your child earn time with electronics only after specific work is completed within a specific time frame.

In a homeschool family, you may find that electronics are best kept off limits until the entire school day is done. Some kids have tried to convince their parents to let them play with video games or the computer before they do any school work, only to refuse to turn the electronics o􀃗 when mom or dad says it’s time to get to work.

Some parents allow their children to take a break within the school day to play video games. Certainly, if that works for your family, you don’t need to change it. But if a midday game break makes your afternoon more difficult, you may want to find another activity for your child. Keep those high-interest items off-limits until the end of the day.

Use Daily Privileges and Rewards

Let your child earn their privileges – time that can be cashed in when the day’s work is completed. For example, let your child know they will earn 30 minutes of electronics time when they have finished the morning school work. In addition, they have an opportunity to earn a second 30 minutes when they complete their afternoon work.

Splitting up your rewards can also help improve compliance if your child has a rough morning, remind them they have another chance to pull it together for the afternoon. You may find that your child will improve their behavior when they know they get a second chance. It’s true that there may be days when your child does not complete their work and don’t earn their privileges for that day. Let them know that tomorrow is a new day, and they get a chance to try again.

Are You Too Busy for Rewards?

Some homeschool families tell us their lives are so hectic, they don’t have any unstructured free time, and their kids have no time for rewards or privileges. If you’ve set up your daily life so that there is no free time, you may have difficulty getting compliance out of your children when they decide to dig in their heels.

Remember, you need to use something that they value to get them to do something you value. Is there any room for an extra half hour or so of free time in your homeschool day? Ask your children what they might like as a privilege — you may find that it is something as simple as an extra half-an-hour of time before bed.

Let Them Earn More Freedom

Homeschool parents often tell us that their child refuses to follow the family’s schedule, making every day an ongoing struggle. Usually, the child will say things like, “I’ll do my work after you let me do what I want.” Or they may say, “You can’t make me do it your way.”

Remember, power struggles are a normal part of child development. There is no need to convince your child that your way is right and their way is wrong. You don’t need to attend that fight. Instead, calmly let your child know that doing work independently is a privilege, not a right, and they will need to earn that privilege.

Let your child know that you need to see them comply with your schedule before you are willing to give them a chance to do it on their own. When they can show you they can complete their work consistently and appropriately for a few days in a row, let them experiment with their schedules.

If they manage to complete the work on their own, they can continue at their own pace. If they start slipping, let them know you will go back to your original structure until they can be successful for a few more days in a row. Step by step, they can earn their independence.

Whatever rules and structures you put in place, be sure that your child knows what they are. Write them down and put them on the refrigerator. And if you are implementing consequences, don’t be alarmed if you get the desired effect immediately. It can sometimes take a few weeks for kids to come around. Just be patient and give your changes time to work. And be sure to notice and let them know when they’ve had a good day.

Related content: “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over School Work

About Kimball Lewis

Kimball Lewis is the CEO of EmpoweringParents.com. In addition to his leadership and management roles, he contributes as an editor, a homeschooling expert, and a parent coach. He resides in Orlando, Florida, with his wife and two teenage sons. He is the host of The Empowering Parents Podcast ( Apple, Spotify, Google, Stitcher ) .

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Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

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• 1. The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework
• 2. "My Child Refuses to Do Homework" — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork
• 3. What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled From School
• 4. Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker
• 5. Young Kids in School: Help for the Top 4 Behavior Problems
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