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How to Get Your Kids to Do Their Homework

Last Updated: May 10, 2023 References

This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW and by wikiHow staff writer, Sophia Latorre . Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR). This article has been viewed 465,732 times.

Parents around the world would love the magic formula to encourage kids to do their homework. Alas, it's not as simple as waving a wand, but there are some methods for encouraging your kids to develop and stick to a regular homework routine. For some parents, effective encouragement will also be about changing your own approach to homework enforcement. Don't worry, it's not hard, it's just about taking a moment to work it through. Create a homework space and schedule, establish clear expectations, rewards, and consequences, and approach homework positively.

Creating a Homework Space and Schedule

• For example, if your kids do their homework at the dinner table, unpack the box to give them access to their supplies when it’s time to do homework. Pack up the box and move it off the table when they’re finished.

• Allow your kids to have a say in creating the schedule. If they feel like their opinions have been heard and considered, they’re more likely to stick to the plan.
• Agree on homework-free times, such as Friday nights or one weekend day, and allow them to plan how they use this free time.

Establishing Expectations, Rewards, and Consequences

• Occasional rewards for a special project done really well can be a great boost but regular material rewards are best avoided.
• When your child does their homework, tell them that you are really proud of them for being organized, timely, proactive, etc. It is important to define the exact reason why you are proud so that they know what to keep up.

• Keep your message simple, reminding your kids what you have agreed upon together when discussing how they'd approach homework and expressing both disappointment and a hope to see things return to normal the next day.

• For example, if your child forgets their homework or books at school, don’t spend hours tracking down a maintenance worker to let you into the building so you can retrieve their forgotten items. If they can find a way to get them, great, and if not, they’ll have to suffer the consequences.

• Naturally, if you have a child with learning or other disabilities, you may need to adjust this hands-off approach. Don't be afraid to seek support from professional people skilled in your child's particular disability; they may be able to provide you with additional strategies.

Approaching Homework Positively

• You should still keep a positive attitude toward homework. Don’t agree with your kid when they say, “Homework sucks. I wish I didn’t have to do it.” Instead, reply with something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but once you finish your homework you can invite a friend over.”

• For example, if your child wants to be a marine biologist, tell them that they’ll need good grades in school to get into a college where they can earn a degree in biology, zoology, or ecology.
• For example, tell your would-be actor that they won’t be able to memorize their lines if they’re not a stellar reader. Encourage them to read and memorize parts of their textbook for practice.

Altering Your Own Involvement

Expert Q&A

• When the teacher asks that you have a part in your child's homework, do it! Working with your child's teacher will show your child that authority figures at school and home or on the same team. Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0
• Encourage professional presentation and neatness. If they're producing messy homework, try to catch them in the process and encourage a neater effort. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
• Keep up to date with your child's school life. Talk with their teacher regularly to ensure you know the purpose of your child's assignments and understand the rules in class. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

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• ↑ https://sparksofgenius.wordpress.com/2007/05/14/train-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-arguing/
• ↑ http://sparksofgenius.wordpress.com/2007/05/14/train-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-arguing/
• ↑ https://fosteringperspectives.org/fp_vol1no1/articles_vol1no1/ignoring_effective_way.htm
• ↑ https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-homework-battle-how-to-get-children-to-do-homework/
• ↑ https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/08/100819173846.htm
• ↑ http://www2.ed.gov/parents/academic/involve/homework/part_pg2.html#2

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Strategies to make homework go more smoothly.

Routines and incentive systems to help kids succeed

Writer: Peg Dawson, EdD, NCSP

Clinical Expert: Peg Dawson, EdD, NCSP

Here is the best guide to helping kids do homework successfully that we’ve seen, published by the National Association of School Psychologists on their website, NASPonline.org . Our thanks to NASP for sharing it with us.

There are two key strategies parents can draw on to reduce homework hassles. The first is to establish clear routines around homework, including when and where homework gets done and setting up daily schedules for homework. The second is to build in rewards or incentives to use with children for whom “good grades” is not a sufficient reward for doing homework.

Homework Routines

Tasks are easiest to accomplish when tied to specific routines. By establishing daily routines for homework completion, you will not only make homework go more smoothly, but you will also be fostering a sense of order your child can apply to later life, including college and work.

Step 1. Find a location in the house where homework will be done. The right location will depend on your child and the culture of your family. Some children do best at a desk in their bedroom. It is a quiet location, away from the hubbub of family noise. Other children become too distracted by the things they keep in their bedroom and do better at a place removed from those distractions, like the dining room table. Some children need to work by themselves. Others need to have parents nearby to help keep them on task and to answer questions when problems arise. Ask your child where the best place is to work. Both you and your child need to discuss pros and cons of different settings to arrive at a mutually agreed upon location.

Step 2. Set up a homework center. Once you and your child have identified a location, fix it up as a home office/homework center. Make sure there is a clear workspace large enough to set out all the materials necessary for completing assignments. Outfit the homework center with the kinds of supplies your child is most likely to need, such as pencils, pens, colored markers, rulers, scissors, a dictionary and thesaurus, graph paper, construction paper, glue and cellophane tape, lined paper, a calculator, spell checker, and, depending on the age and needs of your child, a computer or laptop. If the homework center is a place that will be used for other things (such as the dining room table), then your child can keep the supplies in a portable crate or bin. If possible, the homework center should include a bulletin board that can hold a monthly calendar on which your child can keep track of longterm assignments. Allowing children some leeway in decorating the homework center can help them feel at home there, but you should be careful that it does not become too cluttered with distracting materials.

Step 3. Establish a homework time. Your child should get in the habit of doing homework at the same time every day. The time may vary depending on the individual child. Some children need a break right after school to get some exercise and have a snack. Others need to start homework while they are still in a school mode (i.e., right after school when there is still some momentum left from getting through the day). In general, it may be best to get homework done either before dinner or as early in the evening as the child can tolerate. The later it gets, the more tired the child becomes and the more slowly the homework gets done.

Step 4. Establish a daily homework schedule. In general, at least into middle school, the homework session should begin with your sitting down with your child and drawing up a homework schedule. You should review all the assignments and make sure your child understands them and has all the necessary materials. Ask your child to estimate how long it will take to complete each assignment. Then ask when each assignment will get started. If your child needs help with any assignment , then this should be determined at the beginning so that the start times can take into account parent availability. A Daily Homework Planner is included at the end of this handout and contains a place for identifying when breaks may be taken and what rewards may be earned.

Incentive Systems

Many children who are not motivated by the enjoyment of doing homework are motivated by the high grade they hope to earn as a result of doing a quality job. Thus, the grade is an incentive, motivating the child to do homework with care and in a timely manner. For children who are not motivated by grades, parents will need to look for other rewards to help them get through their nightly chores. Incentive systems fall into two categories: simple and elaborate.

Simple incentive systems. The simplest incentive system is reminding the child of a fun activity to do when homework is done. It may be a favorite television show, a chance to spend some time with a video or computer game, talking on the telephone or instant messaging, or playing a game with a parent. This system of withholding fun things until the drudgery is over is sometimes called Grandma’s Law because grandmothers often use it quite effectively (“First take out the trash, then you can have chocolate chip cookies.”). Having something to look forward to can be a powerful incentive to get the hard work done. When parents remind children of this as they sit down at their desks they may be able to spark the engine that drives the child to stick with the work until it is done.

Elaborate incentive systems. These involve more planning and more work on the part of parents but in some cases are necessary to address more significant homework problems. More complex incentives systems might include a structure for earning points that could be used to “purchase” privileges or rewards or a system that provides greater reward for accomplishing more difficult homework tasks. These systems work best when parents and children together develop them. Giving children input gives them a sense of control and ownership, making the system more likely to succeed. We have found that children are generally realistic in setting goals and deciding on rewards and penalties when they are involved in the decision-making process.

Building in breaks. These are good for the child who cannot quite make it to the end without a small reward en route. When creating the daily homework schedule, it may be useful with these children to identify when they will take their breaks. Some children prefer to take breaks at specific time intervals (every 15 minutes), while others do better when the breaks occur after they finish an activity. If you use this approach, you should discuss with your child how long the breaks will last and what will be done during the breaks (get a snack, call a friend, play one level on a video game). The Daily Homework Planner includes sections where breaks and end-of-homework rewards can be identified.

Building in choice. This can be an effective strategy for parents to use with children who resist homework. Choice can be incorporated into both the order in which the child agrees to complete assignments and the schedule they will follow to get the work done. Building in choice not only helps motivate children but can also reduce power struggles between parents and children.

Developing Incentive Systems

Step 1. Describe the problem behaviors. Parents and children decide which behaviors are causing problems at homework time. For some children putting homework off to the last minute is the problem; for others, it is forgetting materials or neglecting to write down assignments. Still others rush through their work and make careless mistakes, while others dawdle over assignments, taking hours to complete what should take only a few minutes. It is important to be as specific as possible when describing the problem behaviors. The problem behavior should be described as behaviors that can be seen or heard; for instance, complains about h omework or rushes through homework, making many mistakes are better descriptors than has a bad attitude or is lazy.

Step 2. Set a goal. Usually the goal relates directly to the problem behavior. For instance, if not writing down assignments is the problem, the goal might be: “Joe will write down his assignments in his assignment book for every class.”

Step 3. Decide on possible rewards and penalties. Homework incentive systems work best when children have a menu of rewards to choose from, since no single reward will be attractive for long. We recommend a point system in which points can be earned for the goal behaviors and traded in for the reward the child wants to earn. The bigger the reward, the more points the child will need to earn it. The menu should include both larger, more expensive rewards that may take a week or a month to earn and smaller, inexpensive rewards that can be earned daily. It may also be necessary to build penalties into the system. This is usually the loss of a privilege (such as the chance to watch a favorite TV show or the chance to talk on the telephone to a friend).

Once the system is up and running, and if you find your child is earning more penalties than rewards, then the program needs to be revised so that your child can be more successful. Usually when this kind of system fails, we think of it as a design failure rather than the failure of the child to respond to rewards. It may be a good idea if you are having difficulty designing a system that works to consult a specialist, such as a school psychologist or counselor, for assistance.

Step 4. Write a homework contract. The contract should say exactly what the child agrees to do and exactly what the parents’ roles and responsibilities will be. When the contract is in place, it should reduce some of the tension parents and kids often experience around homework. For instance, if part of the contract is that the child will earn a point for not complaining about homework, then if the child does complain, this should not be cause for a battle between parent and child: the child simply does not earn that point. Parents should also be sure to praise their children for following the contract. It will be important for parents to agree to a contract they can live with; that is, avoiding penalties they are either unable or unwilling to impose (e.g., if both parents work and are not at home, they cannot monitor whether a child is beginning homework right after school, so an alternative contract may need to be written).

We have found that it is a rare incentive system that works the first time. Parents should expect to try it out and redesign it to work the kinks out. Eventually, once the child is used to doing the behaviors specified in the contract, the contract can be rewritten to work on another problem behavior. Your child over time may be willing to drop the use of an incentive system altogether. This is often a long-term goal, however, and you should be ready to write a new contract if your child slips back to bad habits once a system is dropped.

Click here to download the homework planner and incentive sheet .

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Ten Homework Motivation Strategies for Children and Teens

Use these 10 strategies to end the homework wars..

Posted September 6, 2015 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

When it comes to homework, parents get burnt out hearing these hollow and suspicious words: "I did it at school," "They didn't give homework today," "It hardly counts for my grade," "My teacher never looks at my homework anyway," "That assignment was optional." As parents, hearing these words is enough to drive you crazy.

As I write in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child , parents must not let their emotions get the best of them when their kids are not getting homework done. The strategies below are for helping your child or teen get unstuck:

• Nix the nagging! Pestering creates an adversarial, shaming dynamic that backfires. Instead, try my Calm, Firm, and Non-Controlling approach. Gently empower your child or teen by supportively saying, "I see that you are frustrated. Let's think of ways to help you get back on track with your homework/schoolwork."
• Encourage effort over perfection. Be mindful that kids tend to get intimidated when they have a hard time understanding material. They may get into negative self-talk like, "I can't do this." Even if they're truly thinking this way, parents may instead hear comments like, "I hate this." or "This is stupid." Remind your child or teen that doing his best effort is better than not doing it at all.
• Prioritize. Coach and encourage that the order that homework is done based on urgency, complexity, and workload. At the same time, realize that some students do better by starting with easier tasks and that this can help spark them to tackle more demanding assignments.
• Break it down. Reinforce breaking up homework time into manageable chunks and encourage taking regular breaks. Encourage moving around and walking away for a bit. Remind that an apple really does provide the same effect, and is healthier than an energy drink.
• Think "15 minutes of pain." Have the student set a timer for only 15 minutes. Keep it lighthearted and explain that even if it "hurts" doing the work, she can stop after 15 minutes. Like most things in life, once we push ourselves and get going, it's not so bad.
• Don't be consequence ravenous. Imposing consequences for homework not being done can backfire with defiant behavior. If you use consequences, don't present them with yelling. Keep them reasonable and ask the student to help you be able to move towards rewards (don't go overboard) and minimize consequences. Remember that real, natural consequences are the best motivators.
• Encourage connection. Encourage the student to make or re-establish a connection with his teacher. I have seen hundreds of kids "shoot themselves in the foot" with incomplete homework if they don't have a decent relationship with their teacher.
• Change up the homework/study surroundings. Try putting an inspirational poster by the desk, moving to a different room, or silencing the cell phone. New changes can create more changes.
• Use those study halls. Encourage the use of them as much as possible. Some kids lose sight of that more done at school, means less to do at home.
• Allow for some fun. Notice if your student is racing through the homework just to have fun. Fun time like, TV, phone time, or surfing the web, is welcome, but make sure you put limits on it.

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. , is a psychologist and the author of seven books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

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Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

How do I get my over-achieving daughter to slow down?

"I have taken the quiz and surprisingly found that I was a severely over indulgent parent. This angers me because I didn't think...

How to Get Kids to Do Their Homework and Raise Self-Starters

Homework is one of the best opportunities for kids to practice being self-starters. But how can parents encourage this self-reliance in their kids and avoid fighting over homework?

It had been nearly an hour since my eight-year-old had begun her vocabulary homework. With four pages still to go, she was on the verge of tears and sleepiness as we approached bedtime.

She was overwhelmed and in over her head.

The issue wasn’t an exorbitant amount of homework, but rather that she had left this assignment for the last minute. With a week to complete a unit in her workbook, she hadn’t planned carefully enough, and now was scrambling to get it done the evening before it was due.

This was the first year my oldest had received homework. Wanting to give her a sense of ownership over this responsibility, I had generally let her determine when and how to complete her work .

But as I sat beside her and saw her struggle, I wondered if I had done too little to coach her in time management. Not wanting to become a dreaded helicopter parent, I had probably overcompensated in the opposite direction.

The RIGHT way to get kids to do homework, according to experts

After this experience, I felt a little lost – wondering how much checking in with kids about their homework was too much and how much was too little. Where was the balance?

Searching for answers, I decided to dig into this topic. After identifying three experts in this field, I reached out to them and arranged interviews. Here’s what they told me:

In the early years, actively coach kids on organization and time management

The first thing I learned, not surprisingly, is that my approach to letting my daughter figure out time management on her own was all wrong.

The experts I spoke to pointed out that few young kids have executive functioning skills or the ability to plan ahead when they first begin receiving homework – often in early elementary school. This lack of organizational understanding can be a barrier to getting homework done.

Here’s what they suggest parents do to help their kids develop these skills:

• Set up a specific place for kids to do homework: Betsy Brown Braun , a child development and behavior specialist, believes that kids should have a special place where homework is completed other than the dining room table or kitchen counter. “Kids should have a place of their own – like a desk,” she says. “We want to set them up to respect homework.” This creates a physical place kids associate with doing work, and later with planning for doing work.
• Have a homework routine : Kids benefit from knowing there’s a certain time every day set aside for doing homework, according to Ann Dolin, owner of Educational Connections , a tutoring company in the metropolitan D.C. area. The hour doesn’t have to be the same every day – especially if afterschool activities vary each afternoon. But kids should have a general sense of when homework time takes place. And Braun suggests that parents should involve their children in deciding when this time should be: “Because that shows his responsibility in it,” she says. Knowing there’s a specific time to do homework gets kids in the habit of setting aside time each day to complete their work.
• Ask kids if they need a reminder: Braun suggests asking your child if they want a reminder when the agreed-upon homework time approaches. Ask if they’d like for you to set an alarm or simply tell them when it’s time. By taking ownership of being aware of when it’s time for homework, they’ll start to move towards taking ownership of managing their workload.
• Help kids get started – and then walk away: At this young age, some kids might feel overwhelmed by the idea of simply getting started with their work. Parents can help by making sure their kids understand the directions. But after kids have completed a few problems in an assignment, both Dolin and Braun agree that parents should then walk away and let kids independently complete the work on their own. Completing each assignment independently is, again, a stepping stone towards independently managing the flow of homework assignments.
• Make a rule that homework isn’t considered complete until it’s in your child’s backpack: A good habit to form early on is to make sure homework goes right into kids backpacks as soon as it’s done, Dolin says. This avoids any assignments being turned in late.
• Make sure kids have some downtime: After a long day of school and activities, kids need a bit of downtime before digging into homework. “Most kids need at least a half hour to unwind,” Dolin suggests. This downtime helps kids recharge and increases their ability to focus. Braun also emphasizes that parents need to watch out for overscheduling after-school activities and making sure these don’t supersede homework.

Help kids plan their homework with this weekly homework planner. Click on the link below to access the planner. In addition to receiving the planner, you’ll also be signed up for my weekly-ish newsletter with tips on how to raise independent, self-reliant kids:

Eventually, kids can independently manage homework on their own

Every child is different. But after a year or two of getting help from parents on these intermediary steps towards better time-management, most kids are ready to take on independently the full responsibility of homework management.

But how can parents know if their child is ready? “By asking a lot of questions”, Dolin says.

“How might you organize this? How long are you going to spend on this? Depending on their answers to these questions you can tell if they can be independent,” she says.

Questions about organization and time management also help kids begin problem-solving on their own. And once you’ve seen a consistent pattern of kids having a well-thought-out plan for completing their homework, you can begin to step back and let kids manage their own time.

Ready to teach your child life skills? These cards can help! Each card in this eighty-one deck contains a skill your child can begin practicing with you or on their own. Click here or the image below to learn more.

Ways parents sabotage their kids’ self-reliance with homework

Often without even knowing it, parents get in the way of their kids’ independence with homework and other responsibilities. Here are a few things to avoid in order to raise kids who are homework self-starters:

Don’t focus too heavily on the quality of the work: It’s natural for parents to want their kids to do their best school work. But leave the quality of the work up to the teacher, Dolin says. “I hear of so many fights about the quality of work between parents and students,” she says. “And then kids will start to avoid homework. The goal of homework – especially when kids are younger – is to practice skills and learn independence and responsibility.”

Braun agrees: “I don’t believe that parents should correct their kids’ homework. The quality of the homework is between the child and teacher. How else will the teacher know what the kid needs help on?” She also notes that parents often think they are helping their kids by getting involved in their homework, or not letting them fail. But parents don’t realize the message they’re sending – that their child is not capable or good enough.

Don’t create your own consequences for incomplete homework: Again, let that be between the student and the teacher. If a student doesn’t finish his homework, “he must deal with his teacher,” Dr. Frances Walfish , a family and relationship psychotherapist, says. “Don’t bail him out, criticise, or chastise him,” she continues. Let the teacher decide what the consequence will be and eventually he should begin to realize that it’s easier to get homework done the night before.

If a child declares that she won’t do her homework on a particular evening, parents can state – in a non-threatening way – that they ‘ ll write the child’s teacher and make them aware of her decision, Braun suggests. But she warns that parents still need to be alert to tiredness, an uneasiness about getting started or other reasons why kids might resisting doing their homework – and address those reasons first.

Don’t do homework with your kids :  “Don’t get in the habit of doing homework with your child too much. Parents get in the habit of doing the homework with the child and when it’s time for kids to do their homework on their own they haven’t had the experience of doing it alone,” Braun says. This gets back to the notion of making sure kids understand what they need to accomplish and then walking away to let them work on their own. “A seven or eight-year-old should be able to get his homework done on his own.” she says.

Don’t send the general message that your child isn’t capable: By constantly correcting kids – not letting them try and fail – and doing things for them that they’re capable of doing on their own, we are sending the message to kids that they aren’t capable, Braun says.  But by “working to cultivate self-reliance early on you are putting kids in a position to make them self-starters in everything including homework.”

Coaching while also letting go

After that fateful evening of disappointment and frustration, I changed my tactic in helping my daughter plan her time.

“Let’s sit down and decide when you will have an opportunity to work on your vocabulary homework for this week.” I began to ask her every Monday evening. Play practice was on Thursdays, basketball on Wednesdays. That left Monday and Tuesday as the best evenings for her to work on her assignment.

Writing out the days of the week, we determined on which evening she would have more time to get her work done.

As the weeks progressed, she became more aware of how much time was needed and how long an assignment would take. Sure, there were a few hiccups along the way, but by the end of the year, she was just about ready to tackle homework on her own.

And now that’s she’s in fifth grade, that work has paid off. While every now and then she still discovers she hasn’t allowed enough time to finish a math assignment or didn’t read her book report book quite as quickly as she had hoped, on most weeks her homework is complete – and she gets to bed on time.  

Interested in getting your kids started on chores? My four-lesson course will teach you how to get started, avoid nagging & power struggles, and keep your kids motivated. Click here or the image below to learn more.

See related:

15 Life Skills Kids Need Before They Leave Home

10 Life Lessons Kids Need to Experience Before They Leave Home

How to Raise Responsible Kids – Not Just Obedient Ones

What to do next…

1. subscribe to self-sufficient kids’ email list., 2. take one of my quizzes.

Find out if you’re raising a self-sufficient kid ( click here ) or if you’re doing too much for your kids ( click here ). At the end of each quiz, you’ll be asked to provide your email address to see the results.

3. Get your kids started on chores.

Learn how to get your child started on chores (& keep them motivated + avoid power struggles) by enrolling in my Get Your Kids Successfully Started on Chores course. Click here to learn more and sign up.

About Kerry Flatley

Hi! I’m Kerry, the mother of two girls and a certified parent educator. I believe it is possible for parents to have a supportive, loving, and warm relationship with their kids while raising them to be independent and ultimately self-sufficient. Over the years, I’ve read numerous books and articles that support this belief and I’ve put these ideas into practice with my own kids. Read more about me and Self-Sufficient Kids here.

5 ways to help your child focus (based on science!)

by: Carol Lloyd | Updated: October 6, 2022

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Many young children have trouble sitting still and staying focused. Even older kids can sometimes struggle after a long day at school. If you’re having trouble getting your child to start their homework or stay focused at school, try these tips.

Here are some ways to help your child settle down and concentrate:

Get the ya-yas out first (aka exercise), turn off screens and cell phones, make a to-do list, use signals, take breaks., homes nearby.

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6 Tips to Teach Children to Do Their Homework on Their Own

Home » Tools for Your 7-Year-Old » Homework for Your 7-Year-Old

Homework for Your 7-Year-Old

Listen to an audio file of this tool.

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your 7-year-old child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and setting up a daily homework routine provides a perfect opportunity.

Children ages 5-10 are in the process of establishing critical learning habits, including how they approach homework, that will extend throughout their school years. For most children, homework is a nightly reality. Children who have a parent or someone in a parenting role involved in supporting learning at home and are engaged in their school community have more consistent attendance, better social skills, and higher grade point averages and test scores than those children without such support. 1 Indeed, the best predictor of students’ academic achievement is parental involvement.

Yet, there are challenges. “I don’t want to do homework. I haven’t had any time to play,” might be a frequent complaint you hear from your seven-year-old. Your child may engage you in power struggles when they have other goals in mind. Their goal – “How can I play longer?” – is typical.

A study by the National Center on Families Learning found that 60% of American families struggle to help children with their homework. 2 More than 25% admit that the reason they struggle is that they are too busy; this is up from just over 20% in 2013. Other reasons parents identified for having trouble with helping with homework were not understanding the subject matter (34%) and pushback from their kids (41%). 3

While getting a regular homework routine going might be a challenge, it can be a joyful experience that promotes valuable skills for school and life success. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters to support a homework routine in cooperative ways that avoid a daily struggle.

Why Homework?

Five and six-year-olds will be brand new to the homework experience, and you will have an opportunity to establish positive habits that will stay with them for years to come. Seven, eight, nine, and ten-year-olds will be bringing brand new academic challenges home like reading with competence and learning fractions. Additionally, they may be expected to complete long-term projects. This will take a whole new level of planning and organization. These homework assignments can become a challenge if regular routines are not established. Today, in the short term, establishing effective homework habits will create

• greater cooperation and motivation;
• greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you implement your respective roles and feel set up for success;
• trust in each other that you have the competence to complete your responsibilities with practice and care;
• reduced frustrations from a lack of organization, space, or resources; and
• learning about your child’s school curriculum.

Tomorrow, in the long term, homework helps your child

• build skills in collaboration and cooperative goal setting;
• build skills in responsible decision making, hard work, and persistence;
• gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency; and
• develops positive learning habits that contribute directly to school success.

Five Steps for Creating a Homework Routine

This five-step process helps your family establish a routine for homework. It also builds important skills in your child. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues as well ( learn more about the process ).

These steps are done best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush.

Intentional communication and a healthy parenting relationship support these steps.

Step 1. Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child thinking about establishing a homework routine by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also begin to better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to homework so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child

• has the opportunity to think through the routine and problem solve through any challenges they may encounter ahead of time;
• has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership, comes a greater responsibility for implementing the routine);
• will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership; and
• will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their learning — their homework.
• “How do you want to spend your time after school?”
• “Would you like a snack first?”
• “Do you want to change into play clothes first?”
• “Do you want time to rest or run outside and play?”
• “Considering all of the activities that typically take place after school, when is the best time for you to do homework?”
• Experiment to figure out a plan for homework. Since the homework experience for younger children is new, you’ll want to take a week and try out different times to see what works best with your child’s energy. Your child, for example, may say that they want to get homework done right after school only to find that they’re mentally worn and need a break. So, ask key questions and assign a first trial week. If one way doesn’t work, try out an after-dinner time and ask again: “Does this time work better?” Everyone has different energy cycles and times when they feel better able to focus, so work on discovering that rhythm with your child and you’ll go a long way toward setting them up for success!
• Once you agree upon a time that makes sense for all, your attempts to keep that time sacred and consistent for homework will be important to ensure it becomes a habit and routine. If you are consistent, it can serve as a predictable, non-negotiable process. Your child knows what to expect and when to expect it.
• Take note of the time when your child has said is the best time to do homework. Set a timer to go off at that time. Instead of you calling out, “Time for homework!” which may incite a battle, an inanimate, dispassionate object is alerting them. You can use a kitchen timer outside or inside.
• If your child has decided to do homework right after school, be certain to provide a healthy high protein snack first (peanut butter crackers, cheese stick and apples). You may even consider having this snack ready for the car ride home.
• If you cannot offer a choice in the time of day homework is completed, then find another choice your child can make. For example, you could allow your child to decide what space they use, or what snack they will have to accompany homework completion. Adding some level of choice to the process will prevent power struggles and help your child take ownership.
• a well-lit location (or get a task lamp to light up a preferred spot);
• close proximity to your family’s living space or kitchen (wherever you’ll typically be so that you are never far to offer support); and
• a hard work surface that can get dirty. (Your child may need to color with markers, use glue sticks, cut, and more. Make sure your surface is durable.)
• School supplies: loose leaf paper, crayons, glue sticks, scissors, pencils, pencil sharpener, a children’s dictionary, and any other items you anticipate they might need.
• No clutter. In fact, a disorganized environment can distract from a child’s focus. So eliminate clutter, organize tools, and only have the essentials at hand. Invest in a few supply holders to keep tools neat and ready.
• A binder, bin, or other receptacle designated for school papers that are brought home and stay at home.
• The goal of a homework space is to provide a well-equipped, consistent place for your child to fully focus on the work at hand. In this way, they’ll know what to expect. You won’t have to struggle over frustrations when they can’t find a school tool. And, they’ll learn to take greater responsibility for their learning as they work with you to organize this space.
• Make it fun! Designing a homework spot together can be an enjoyable experience. Allow your child to pick out their own organization bins and school tools. Perhaps they could make a sign with their name on it to designate the space. Or, create a poster with an inspirational saying like, “Good things come from hard work!” Take a little time to label your new supply holders not only with names but also with stickers or drawings to allow your child to personalize them. All this can be motivating to a child.
• Create a family homework rule. Be sure to discuss (at a family dinner, for example) how the family can respect homework time. Consider if you want all siblings to do homework at the same time or not. If you want everyone to do homework at the same time, consider what would need to be in place to make that happen. Either way, agree upon a homework rule that everyone will respect the person who is focused on their work and will be quiet in that area of the house.

Step 2. Teach New Skills by Interactive Modeling

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, learning on which developmental milestones a child is working can help a parent know which tasks might be more difficult. Here are some examples as they relate to homework: 4

• Five-year-olds like to help and follow rules. They typically see only one way of doing things (so if you suggest another, it might be difficult for them to understand and follow). They also may fear making mistakes, so it’s important to send the message that “Everyone makes mistakes, and mistakes are essential to learning.”
• Six-year-olds may be more apt to question your rules and refuse to proceed with the routine. But, they are ambitious and eager to do well, so recognize small steps toward competence.
• Seven-year-olds crave routine and structure, so they may not be able to deal well with a chaotic household distracting from their focus.
• Eight-year-olds are highly social and thrive in cooperative learning groups. This could be a great time to introduce a study partner/friend where buddies complete homework together discussing the issues and supporting one another. (This may not work for every child, so it is important to know your child and their ways of learning and focusing.) Eight-year-olds also may simply enjoy talking about what they are working on with you more than in past years.
• Nine-year-olds are highly competent with fine motor skills but can become easily frustrated. They may need directions that contain one instruction. They require patience and can be hard on themselves.
• Ten-year-olds are growing rapidly so they require more movement. They have a strong sense of right and wrong and awareness of fairness issues. They can feel more competent with homework, though challenging work may trigger anger and/or frustration.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your child up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it is easy to be confused about how best to support your child’s homework. Here are some specific ways you can define your role while ensuring your child has full ownership over their learning process.

• “Where in your book did you find this lesson?”
• “Where else could you look to find the answer?”
• “What other ways can you think about your answer?”
• Share your curiosity and interest in the subject, but do not provide an answer.
• Focus on keywords so that they too can learn to spot key words.
• Attempt to read together. Young children who are learning to read may require help reading and understanding directions.
• Use your finger to underscore the text you are reading.
• Ask your child which words are most important when you are talking about a problem.
• Have your child underline or highlight those words in the instructions or in the specific question they are trying to answer so that you have a focusing point. Children need support in figuring out what is most important in making sense out of text of any kind.
• Research together. If you cannot find the source of the problem in your child’s books, then do some online research together. But be certain that you allow your child to drive the process. You might ask, “What should we look up or search for together?” These are the first seeds of strong research skills.
• Teach the essential “brain break.” Breaks do not represent weakness or a lack of persistence. In fact, people’s brains work better if they take frequent breaks.
• Show proactively what a brain break might look like. Pretend play through it. Parent: sit with your pencil and paper and say aloud, “I am really starting to feel frustrated.” Then, move away from your seat and breathe deeply and loudly. Get a drink of water. Walk outside and breathe in the fresh air. Take your child with you to do this alongside you.
• You might ask, “What else makes you feel better and comforted when you are frustrated?” Brainstorm a brief list of spaces, places, things, and actions that offer comfort when frustrated. Leave that list in your school tool homework space. It will serve as an ongoing resource when brain breaks are required.
• It’s a common challenge of homework time for a child to fear making mistakes. Homework is practice, it is intended as a time to try out an answer, get it wrong, and try again. Hang up a sign near your homework spot to remind your child, “Mistakes are part of learning.”
• You do not need to be a subject matter expert EVER! If you find that you are struggling to get the right answer for yourself, take a step back. Realize that you are stealing a learning opportunity away from your child. Ask yourself how you can provide the guidance and support for them to answer the question or solve the problem (even if they get it wrong).

Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Homework practice can take the form of cooperatively completing the task together or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child practices.

• Use “Show me…” statements. When a child learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say: “Show me you know what’s next when our timer goes off.” This can be used when you are in the after school routine and need an alert to move on to homework.
• Do a “brain break” dry run. In the midst of homework one night, maybe at a natural breaking point, play “brain break.” Practice moving away from homework. Get a drink of water. Walk outside and sniff the fresh air. Then, go back and ask, “Do you feel refreshed and ready or do you need a little more time?” If your child responds they need more time, then what would make them feel better? Perhaps a hug on a teddy bear or a couple of runs around the house might do the trick. This practice is super important if you plan to use it as a tool when your child is really upset.
• Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements. For example, “I noticed how you got to work this afternoon when the timer sounded without me asking. That’s taking responsibility!”
• Proactively remind your child to help them be successful. Often the challenges in a homework routine seem to recur day after day and may be predictable. You might know exactly what they are and when they are going to happen. So, just before they do, remind in a gentle, non-public way. You may whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember what we can do next to figure out the problem? What is it?”

Resist the temptation to nag. Children often need more time to perform tasks that challenge them even if you believe they are simple and don’t require much time. Be sure to wait long enough for your child to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they are able to do what you need them to do.

Step 4. Support Your Child’s Development and Success

At this point, you’ve taught your child several new positive learning habits so that they understand how to perform them. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed. Parents naturally offer support as they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

• Promote a learning attitude. Show confidence that your child can learn anything with time and practice (because they truly can!). Your comments and reflections will matter greatly in how competent they feel to meet any learning challenge.
• Ask key questions when your child struggles. You could say, “It looks like you feel stuck. Is there another way you could approach the problem?” or “How are you feeling about homework tonight?”
• Coach on communications. You might notice your child struggling and getting stuck even with your support. You might then say, “Seems like you are having trouble figuring this problem out and cannot find the answer in your resources. This would be a good time to ask your teacher about this problem. You might say, ‘Mrs. Johnson, I struggled with this one. Can you help me?’”
• Stay engaged. It can be motivating for a child when a parent does their own paperwork alongside them keeping them company. Working together, after all, is much more enjoyable than working alone.
• Allow for and reflect on real world consequences. If you see a mistake on your child’s worksheet, don’t correct it. You’ll be taking away a valuable learning opportunity. You could leave it alone altogether or ask once, “Do you feel like this is right or are you struggling with it?” If your child confirms it’s the answer they want to give, then allow them the experience of their teacher correcting it. It’s an important learning opportunity. It may open a door to extra support from their teacher.
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, get your own feelings in check. Not only is this good modeling, when your feelings are in check you are able to provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child into a discussion about the expectations established in Step 2. Third, if you feel that your child is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), then apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

If you groan that it’s homework time, surely your child will groan too. Become aware of your own reactions to homework. Be sure that the tone and attitude you bring to homework is one of digging in, being curious, and learning.

A research study noted whether mothers’ comments during homework completion were controlling or supporting autonomy and competence. 5 The researchers concluded that those children who brought worries about their ability to perform had a heightened sensitivity to their mothers’ comments. Moms who supported their autonomy – “I know you can do it!” – and demonstrated that they believed in their child’s ability to do the work predicted increased achievement over time. However, those mothers who were more controlling in their comments – “I need to check your work. That’s not right.” – predicted less engagement and lower achievement in their children.

Step 5. Recognize Effort and Quality to Foster Motivation

No matter how old your child is, your praise and encouragement are their sweetest reward.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worth your while to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way to promoting positive behaviors and helping your child manage their feelings. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

You can recognize your child’s efforts with praise, high fives, and hugs. Praise is most effective when you name the specific behavior of which you want to see more. For example, “You put your game away when the timer went off and got out your work. Love seeing that!”

Avoid bribes. A bribe is a promise for a behavior, while praise is special attention after the behavior. While bribes may work in the short term, praise grows lasting motivation for good behavior and effort. For example, instead of saying, “If you get your homework done right after school, I will let you choose the game we play after dinner” (which is a bribe), try recognizing the behavior after. “You got to work on your homework like we practiced. Love seeing that!”

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when all is moving along smoothly. When children are completing their homework tasks on time, for example, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed. “I noticed you completed your homework today on your own in the time we agreed upon. Yes! Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments – like the entire homework routine to go smoothly – in order to recognize. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, “We’ll get our business taken care of first with our homework, and then we’ll run around outside or take a bike ride.” Include hugs as a way to appreciate one another.

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that builds your skills as an effective parent to use on many other issues and builds important skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Throughout this tool, there are opportunities for children to become more self-aware, to deepen their social awareness, to exercise their self-management skills, to work on their relationship skills, and to demonstrate and practice responsible decision making.

[ 1 ] Henderson, A.T., Mapp, K.L., Johnson, V.R., & Davies, D. (2007). Beyond the bake sale: The essential guide to family-school partnerships. NY: The New York Press.

[ 2 ] reid, k. s. (2014). survey finds more parents troubled by their children’s homework . education week, september 19. retrieved on september 25, 2104., [ 3 ] national center for families learning. (2014). annual survey on parents and homework . google consumer surveys, august 12, 2014, to august 22, 2014, based on 1,039 online responses., [ 4 ] wood, c. (2017). yardsticks; child and adolescent development ages 4-14. turners falls, ma: center for responsive schools., [ 5 ] fei-yin ng, f., kenney-benson, g.a., & pomerantz, e.m. (2004). children’s achievement moderates the effects of mothers’ use of control and autonomy support. child development. vol. 75, 3, 764-780., recommended citation: center for health and safety culture. (2020). homework. ages 5-10. retrieved from https://parentingmontana.org..

ParentingMontana.org was supported [in part] by CFDA 93.959 and 93.243 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), and by the Preschool Development Grant Birth through Five Initiative (PDG B-5), Grant Number 90TP0026-01-00, from the Office of Child Care, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, and by the Montana State General Fund. The views and opinions contained do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, or the Montana Department of Health and Human Services, and should not be construed as such.

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What to do when a 7-year-old melts down about homework?

Q: Is there any way to get through to a 7-year-old in second grade that the amount of time she spends melting down and yelling about a simple school assignment that she could've mostly finished during class time and chose not to is longer than the amount of time it would take to do the assignment? We have never been super strict about homework, mostly because we thought it was inappropriate before, but now it's actually classwork and not homework, and her teachers are overall understanding. But occasionally, she needs to be able to accomplish some schoolwork without falling apart, right?

A: What a great question. Has there ever been a way to convince 7-year-olds that they have wasted their time screaming? In my time of working with families for about 20 years, as well as parenting three children, the answer is no, not really. The essence of what you want, which is what every parent wants, is for your child to understand your point of view, and hence, obey you without fits or questions. A wonderful dream, really. And I’m with you: It’s maddening to watch your child “waste” their time melting down when you know it is well within their power to just do the work. But we aren’t really talking about homework here. Allow me to explain.

How can I get my third-grader to focus on online school?

I don’t know whether this is a learning-at-home pandemic issue or whether your child is in school and this is spillover, but I can assure you either way: Your child is not making a conscious choice to melt down or be a quitter. I don’t know why, but your child is overwhelmed and needs support. It could be that she has an undiagnosed learning issue. It could be hunger. It could be a reaction to your pushing and pushing to complete the assignment. It could be that she’s bored and doesn’t want to revisit the material. I have no idea why your daughter is upset, but you need to reshape your goals.

To move forward, you have to admit that just because you now care about the schoolwork doesn’t mean your daughter does. To go from zero attention to now expecting enthusiasm doesn’t seem to be working, so stop expecting that from her.

We see that she’s resisting this, so get down to the why.

First, call the teacher and clarify what’s happening in school, as well as what the teacher expects. Ask if the teacher sees any executive functioning issues. Explain the behaviors you’re seeing at home, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Next, be sure that the timing of the classwork makes sense for your daughter. Has she had downtime? Is she fed? Has she moved her body?

Finally, call a mini-meeting with her, and set up a plan. Your ultimate goal isn’t to raise a child who completes classwork; your ultimate goal is to raise a child who enjoys learning and is motivated to do it. Let’s go slow and steady on this classwork issue; she’s only 7.

Step back and reassess. You’ll get there. Good luck.

Send questions about parenting to [email protected]

More from Lifestyle :

Should a first-grader be able to remember lessons learned at online school?

How can I keep my child — and myself — on track during online kindergarten?

He hates doing third-grade homework. Should a parent force it?

Our 8-year-old is bored and whiny. How can we change this?

Nicole Beurkens

America’s Most Trusted Child Psychologist

Q&A: My 7 yr old boy won’t sit still at school or during homework

This week’s question is from Jessica,

“My son struggles with sitting still at school and while doing homework. He is medicated (for ADHD) but his teacher and others at his school are recommending I increase his medication but I don’t know if I want to do that. What should I do?”

In this episode, I will address a number of things that I think will be helpful for all parents. Not just kids who have been diagnosed with ADHD. The number one takeaway here is that movement while learning is not only normal for all kids but it is essential for learning . Then I will give lots of helpful tips about things you can do to help your child learn in a way that works for them. Lastly, I will address medication and why it is not the teacher’s job to recommend medication. 

You can submit a question by emailing us at [email protected] with the subject line “Podcast Question.”

Need help with improving your child’s behavior naturally?

• My book Life Will Get Better is available for purchase, click here to learn more.
• Looking for more? Check out my Blog and Workshops .
• Interested in becoming a patient? Contact us here .

Episode Highlights

What the parents and teachers notice.

• He is always fidgeting 
• Does not stay in his chair while doing school online, in person, or while doing homework
• Difficulty regulating his movement

What they’ve tired

• Teachers and school authorities asking parent to increase his medication

Movement in this age is essential for development in all areas  

• In fact, from infants all the way up to older kids – movement is critical to learning
• Movement helps to promote brain growth – physical activity is normal and important 
• When kids move a lot, it might be signaling to us that they need a break to move their bodies 
• Our school environment in the U.S. is very sedentary which is not a realistic expectation for kids who are learning

Strategies that can help…

Be proactive.

• Make sure your child has a lot of time being active and playing outdoors, outside of school, and homework time
• It is developmentally inappropriate that a 7 yr old would have homework 
• Opt-out if that’s best for him, talk with his teacher and the school about it

Setting up their environment for movement and learning  

• Pace space – if your child likes to move or walk while learning, mark off a space on the floor with tape so they can move around in that space. 
• Therabands – tie a band around the front two legs of the chair so they can use that to bounce their feet
• Ball chairs – gives the ability to stay in one spot and allows for lots of movement 
• DIY: Blow up a beach ball a quarter of the way, set it on their chair and they can sit and move on it
• Fidget toys – rubber bands, fidget spinners, squeeze ball, etc
• Alternate seating – propped up on their elbows, laying over a fitball 

Weighted things can help with calming and regulating  

• A weighted lap pad or stuffed animal 
• Therapy putty or thick clay they can manipulate in their hands 
• Sucking is very calming 
• Chewing on a cold chew toy or gum gives an organizing input to the brain

Breaks are important

• In general, we expect kids to learn and focus for too long
• Talk to the teacher about allowing your child to take movement breaks
• An outside break is even better 
• Take walks or do jumping jacks for 5 minutes 
• Start the day with protein – eggs, sausage, almond butter on toast
• Keep blood sugar balanced – less sugary breakfast foods and snacks 
• Add in a few nutrient-dense foods – avocado, salmon, cacao nibs, etc. 
• Lots of water for hydration – always have a water bottle or cup available with water
• Speak with your doctor about checking iron level 
• Magnesium can be helpful and calming for the brain 

Medication 

• It is not appropriate for school professionals to talk to parents about medication
• That should only be discussed with your medical provider

Connect with Dr. Nicole Beurkens on…

• Drbeurkens.com

Episode Timestamps

Episode Intro … 00:00:30 Movement while learning is normal and important … 00:02:10 Strategies that will help your child learn best … 00:07:57 Movement options while learning … 00:14:00 Help kids feel calm while learning …00:16:35 Give kids regular breaks … 00:18:10 What to look for with nutrition … 00:20:19 The conversation about medication … 00:22:00 Episode wrap up … 00: 25:25

Episode Transcript

Dr. Nicole Beurkens: 

Hi everyone, welcome to the show. I am Dr. Nicole, and on today’s episode, I’m answering a question from a listener. I get so many questions each week, and this is a great way to provide answers that many of you might find helpful. If you have a question you’d like me to consider answering on a future episode, email it to [email protected] , and you just might hear it on an upcoming show. Now onto today’s question from Jessica. Jessica writes, “Dear Dr. Nicole. I’m really struggling with my 7 year old son in school activities, both the virtual classes and homework. This has been an ongoing problem all year, and our school isn’t going back to full-time in person until possibly next fall. My son has been diagnosed with ADHD and is very physically active. It’s tough to get him to sit still and stay in the same place for his teacher to see him during the online classes. He’s also always fidgeting in his chair, and trying to move all over during homework time. Honestly, this isn’t just an issue at home. His teacher complains about it in the classroom too. He takes medication to help with the ADHD, although I’m not sure how much it helps. The school keeps saying he needs more medicine or a different medicine, but I’m really not sure I want to do that. He’s a bright boy and can do the work, but it’s just helping him stay physically still that’s a problem. Any ideas that can help? Thank you. Jessica.”

Jessica, thank you for writing about this. I think that these are issues that many, many of our parent listeners face, so I hope that my response to your questions will be helpful to many of you who are listening. 

Okay. So first, let’s start with the overarching idea here that we need to keep in mind when we are looking at what’s going on with a child’s physically active behavior and how that’s impacting them. So first of all, it is really important to remember that it is very developmentally appropriate for children, particularly younger children to move while they are engaged in thinking and learning kinds of activities. Movement is essential for development in all areas. And that’s the case for infants all the way up through older kids that brain growth and development, whether we’re talking bout development in the areas of motor skills or development in communication skills, relationship skills, thinking and cognitive skills, focus and attention skills, whatever area of development we’re talking about: Movement is a critical thing that drives that development, so that’s why we see in babies, in toddlers, in preschoolers, in elementary age kids, they’re moving their bodies a lot in different ways because they’re driven to do that, that’s how they are making sense of the world, it’s how they’re making sense of what’s going on inside them, and that movement is literally promoting brain growth, literally helping to promote the connections within and between the different parts of the brain that are essential for developing important skills in all of these areas. So movement, physical activity is natural, normal and important. So that’s the first thing we need to keep in mind. Now, movement can be at an extreme, and some kids, especially if they veer into the territory of what might truly be called hyperactive kinds of movement where they seem to be at a speed of 100 all the time and have difficulty regulating their activity level and their movement depending on the situation, then that can create some challenges, especially, depending on the activities or the situation or the environment. So it certainly can be the case that we need to give kids strategies and tools for learning how to regulate their movement needs and regulate their activity level, but within the overarching framework of understanding that movement is normal and important. And actually, I would argue that if a child is moving around a lot, that is telling us something about what their brain and body need. That’s giving us a clue about what their brain needs to function well, and what maybe isn’t working for them in that particular environment or situation. So that’s the first thing we need to keep in mind and I think that’s really important because so often, the thought process around what kids are expected to do in school or even what we expect young kids to do in general is we want them to sit still. We want them to focus and sit still or we want them to just calm down and sit still. And we forget, we look at that through the lens of our adult brain and we forget that movement is natural, physical activity is important for them. So we have a lot of unrealistic and actually developmentally inappropriate expectations for children, particularly of these younger ages, and our schools reflect that. 

Unfortunately, our school system, at least her in the US, has really moved far, far away in many ways from what is developmentally-appropriate for kids, and that includes opportunities for lots of physical movement. More and more, we see even preschools that are moving towards kids sitting down at desks or at tables, doing a lot more sitting kinds of activities, not having near the amount of opportunities that they used to in my generation or for many of you listening, where we’d go outside, we’d have recess, we’d play, we’d have centers, lots of opportunities for movement, and unfortunately, in our schools today, that really has been taken away in many schools throughout the US, kindergarten is now an all-day everyday activity with a lot of focus on sitting, sitting, sitting, doing worksheets, doing sedentary kinds of things and that is not developmentally aligned with kids needs at that age and developmental level, and then we wonder why we run into this disconnect between what kids are expected to do for school and what their behavior is. And most of it revolves around, in my opinion, us having developmentally inappropriate expectations and environments for kids. So those are all things to consider when we are thinking about what is going on with a child and how to support them, because the vast majority at the time, in my experience, both working in schools as well as in private practice is that we need to change things in the environment. The environment is more the issue, there’s not something wrong with the child. Now again, I’m not saying that it isn’t beneficial and important to help kids learn skills and have tools for self-regulation, for managing their movement needs in appropriate ways, but we can do that the vast majority of the time by making environmental changes. 

So let me share some ideas for you, some strategies that may be helpful. The first is to be proactive. That means making sure that your son has a lot of time for movement, for physical exploration, for being outside in nature, for just being active in his body outside of school and homework time. That is super, super important for these kids that need a lot of movement. I would argue for any child at that age, but especially kids who need a lot of movement. Give them lots of opportunities for movement when they’re not doing school kinds of activities. So that might mean building obstacle courses, it might mean him spending a lot of time outside, running around, riding his bike, climbing trees, depending on where you live, doing physically active things. Lots of opportunities for that. It’s super important, the most proactive thing that we can do. 

Side note here because you mentioned that it’s difficult to get him to focus during homework time: What I want to say about that is that I find it really developmentally inappropriate that a 7-year-old would have homework. So that’s just maybe something to consider there. You know every parent certainly is welcome to have their opinions on that, professionals as well, but what I would say is that homework, in general, is not a research-based practice. I’ll say that again and maybe do a whole episode on this at some point: Homework has not been shown in the research that’s been done, to be an appropriate or necessary thing that we have kids do. And yet, it’s such a — I don’t know, it’s this thing that’s cemented in our school. It’s like this rite of passage like every kid needs to be having homework. It’s just silly and it’s not research-based and kids don’t need to be doing it. So if you’re in a school where your child is being assigned homework and it’s really a struggle and they’re tapped out by the end of the school day and it’s creating a lot of distress in the home environment to be doing that, I highly encourage parents to opt-out of it, and guess what? You have that option. And especially now, with virtual learning, if you have been working to help your child to stay focused and getting work done all day long on the computer, there is absolutely no need to spend one more moment sitting down then and doing something called “Homework” I mean think about how silly that even is. So I would say with a child like Jessica describes here, for any of you who have kids who this is a challenge with, opt out of the homework situation. Trust me, they’re not going to be any worse off for it, have a meeting with the teacher, talk with the school. It may be helpful for you to know that there are many more schools now going to policies, especially at the elementary level of not giving homework. Again, maybe I’ll do a whole other episode on homework if some of you would find that helpful, but just something to keep in mind here. Jessica, with your particular son and the challenges you’re noting, I would not spend a minute of time on homework. Instead, I would say, “You know what our homework is? Going outside and doing a scavenger hunt. You know what our homework is? Making sure that we’re taking a long bike ride together after dinner. You know what our homework is? Carrying the heavy laundry baskets up and doing the stairs for some heavy organizing input to our sensory system.” Those are the things we’re going to do as homework. So proactive, making sure there’s lots of time for movements, nature, physical activity. 

Okay. Let’s talk about movement options during learning: Now this can be online if you’re having your child on the days that he is home and in front of the computer, but these can also be done in the classroom. Here are some specific strategies that I find really helpful. The first is a pace space. If your child is a pacer, a walker, likes to be moving around while he’s listening or doing things in front of the computer, tape off or mark off in some way on the floor this pace space, this space, it gives it some boundaries so he’s not walking or wandering all over the house or all over the room and the teacher is saying she can’t see him on the screen. Mark off this pace space on the floor and he can stand and move around as much as he wants in that space. It helps create some structure and some boundaries while still allowing movement. In the classroom, I will often tape off these pace spaces in the back of the room or on the side of the rooms so that kids can be up and using those and having those defined spaces and it’s not distracting or getting in the way of other kids being able to see. Another thought is to get some stretchy, what’s called TheraBand or those exercise bands, you can get them in different levels of resistance and tie a band around the front two legs of the chair. What this does is it gives your child something bouncy to bounce their legs or their feet against. It gives some resistance, they can bounce their legs there, it’s quiet but it gives them some resistance, some deep pressure and some opportunity to move there with their legs and get some physical input. Another option is a ball-chair. Some kids do okay with one of the big therapy balls or gym balls that they can just sit on and bounce on. They also make stands now or even whole chairs that have a ball or even bungee cords, I’ve seen chairs now with bungee cords, something that, again, gives that ability to stay in one spot but to get the physical movement that the brain and body are cravings. There are also things called sit discs that you can buy that sit on the chair that allow for movement back and forth and around while sitting on the chair. They’re not so much bouncy — a little bit, but they just allow for more fluid movements sitting on the chair. Honestly, a really cheap way to do that, you can go to the dollar store and get a midsize inflatable beach ball and blow it up just a little bit so there is air in it, so when your child sits on it, there’s like this movable surface. Not blowing it all the way up into a ball, just blowing it up maybe an eighth to a quarter of the way, so when they sit on it, they have this sort of movable pillow kind of surface on the chair. That can be helpful as well.

Fidget toys can be useful. So something that they can fidget with their hands. I had a kid in the clinic earlier today, we were working on some thinking kinds of activities and he chose a rubber band out of my little tool basket that I have of fidgets, and he was using that to fidget with. One of the things that teachers or parents often raise around these kinds of tools or allowing the movement is “Well, then he’s not going to be focused.” We need to remember that the opposite is true. Most kids, and especially kids with these kinds of movement needs and these kinds of challenges, need the movement to allow them to focus. So it’s not in the way that we’re thinking of it, if they’re moving they’re not focused. In fact, typically the opposite is true. They’re moving so that their brain can be more tuned in and focused. So even if it looks like they’re not paying attention, often they are. Now with fidget toys, whether it’s like a squeeze ball, stress ball, or rubber band, a little toy in their hands, whatever it might be, we need to have some limits and boundaries around that. Not appropriate to be throwing it, to be creating problems for other people, we can teach even really young kids how to use those things inappropriately, helpful ways. I would also encourage, during online lessons or even in the classroom, alternate kinds of seating. So sometimes, it works really well for these kids to be propped up on their belly on the floor, propped up on their elbows, that can help keep them stabilized in one spot, and it also gives them some good deep pressure input to their upper body by propping themselves up. Some kids do well lying over a gym ball or a therapy ball to have some movement and some pressure there. There’s nothing that says that that computer has to be sitting on a desk or a table surface with your child in the chair. Experiment with different things: Have them stand up, that can be helpful for some kids. I’ve got some kids who — a parent has a treadmill desk at home, and that can work really well for them. I’ve also seen in classrooms or in homes, you can get really inexpensively these little pedal exercisers, like little bike pedals you put on the floor under the desk, and some kids do great just being able to quietly pedal away while they’re working or while they’re listening. So the key here is to find space and movement options that are going to work and to experiment with that and to provide some choices for your son to make around what is going to be helpful to him during those times. 

Now some other options that can be helpful: Some kids benefit from a weighted lap pad or a weighted stuffed animal, something that’s heavier on their lap that gives them some input and helps them to regulate their activity level and sort of calm their body. That can be helpful. Having something like Theraputty or thick playdough or clay that they can manipulate in their hands, that can be calming and regulating, again, can just help organize their brain and body when they’re not able to move around. Some other tools are giving a water bottle or a cup with a crazy straw, those straws that have lots of twists and turns in different shapes and things, and have them suck water through that or even a smoothie or a thicker liquid, even applesauce can work. Sucking, especially the harder a child has to suck through the straw, the more organizing and regulating that is for the brain and the sensory system, so that can be a great tool. Even a water bottle where they have to suck pretty strongly on the spout of the water bottle to get the water out, that can be a great, regulating, focusing, calming kind of tool. Some kids do well chewing gum or having a chewy toy or something that they can — again, that chewing gives and organizing input to the brain and can help them to regulate their movement and keep their brain focused. So a few other tools that can be helpful. Now I also think it’s really important to be giving kids regular breaks. That goes for at home with virtual learning and it also goes for their time in the classroom.

In general, I think we expect kids to focus and do learning kinds of activities for way longer than their brain is capable of. So, Jessica, you mentioned your son is 7. I would not expect more than 15-20 minutes tops of being able to stay focused on something before needing a break. So you try to work that in where you can with the virtual learning, in classrooms, there are lots of wonderful teachers now who are giving movement breaks regularly throughout the day, whether that’s a whole class movement break of doing some exercises altogether or allowing kids who need more breaks to do things like walk down to the drinking fountain, take a note to the office, help pass out papers, those kinds of things to give them some breaks for movement, but you want to look at scheduling those breaks throughout your day with your virtual learning and to take walks, do jumping jacks, go through an obstacle course, whatever it’s going to be, even just for 5 minutes, if you can go outside, that’s even better because then he gets the movement and the fresh air and nature, which is very regulating and focusing for the brain, but making sure that you’ve got regular breaks and that you’re not expecting him to sit and focus too long. 

I think communication is important here. Talk with him about what he notices, what’s working and not working, make a plan at the start of the day, and say, “Okay, what do we think worked and what didn’t?” You can share your observations, he can share his, and you can kind of work together, recognizing that he has a goal of doing the right thing too. We often forget about that. We think for some reason that kids who are hyperactive and moving around a lot like they’re intentionally trying to cause problems. No! He wants to do well with this, he wants to be able to please other people. He wants to get his work done, he wants to be successful, so including him in the discussion of what’s helping, what’s not, what can we try that might work better? 

From a nutrition standpoint, I would encourage you to think about just a few things: The first is starting the day with protein, which has been shown to be very helpful for regulating movement and hyperactivity, very helpful for just stabilizing the brain and helping with focus and attention, so starting the day with a good source of protein, making sure that you’re keeping blood sugar balance, not having a lot of sugary foods or snacks, focusing on good nutrient-dense foods when you can work those in, eating consistently throughout the school day is important. I recognize you have more control over that at home than you do in the school environment perhaps, and then also plenty of water for hydration, because kids, when they even get mildly dehydrated, it has a negative impact on their brain function, on their attention, so keeping water readily available and encouraging hydration throughout the school day. From a supplement perspective, lots of things that we can consider here, but particularly Jessica, with what you mentioned, I’d be interested in checking an iron level and just making sure with your primary care provider that the iron level is where it should be because suboptimal iron or even deficient iron and anemia can really be an issue with ADHD symptoms, with hyperactivity and those kinds of things, and then you may also want to talk with your healthcare provider about how magnesium can be helpful. That sometimes can be a very supporting, calming mineral for the brain and for the body, and so you may find that helpful. So those are some ideas there. Lots of other things that could be done, but hopefully that gives you some things to target.

I also, just as I’m wrapping up, want to touch base and spotlight something that you mentioned about the school telling you that your son should be taking more medicine or different medicine. I just really want to talk about that briefly before we close out here. It is not appropriate for school professionals to be talking with you about medication. That is not appropriate, school professionals are not educated around medications, are not educated and don’t have the credentials to be talking with parents about psychiatric medications or any medications for their child. It’s appropriate for educators to raise their concerns about what’s going on for a child in the classroom and how best that child can be supported from a developmental or an educational standpoint, not appropriate for them to be raising issues with you about medication. So I just want to be clear because I know that many of you listening may have similar kinds of things come up, and it’s just important for you to know that that’s not appropriate and that you need to make the decisions that you feel are best for your child, and I don’t ever want a parent to feel pressured by a child’s teacher or school administrators or whoever to put them on medication, to make medication changes. That certainly can be part of the discussion with healthcare providers around feedback that you’re getting from your child’s teacher and challenges that the school is noticing and what might be helpful there. So it’s appropriate for educators to raise their concerns about what they’re seeing in the classroom, not appropriate for them to be telling you to put him on different medication or increase his medication. What I would encourage is that you schedule a meeting. It might need to be online right now, still, or go into the school to discuss what’s happening. To provide suggestions to them about what you’re finding is working well at home, and to collaborate with them on a plan, we want to keep lines of communication open between home and school and have good collaborative communication and problem-solving. It might be helpful to meet regularly to talk about what’s working, what’s not working, what might be helpful when parents and school professionals are communicating well and collaborating together, that’s when we get the best outcomes for kids. And then also for you as the parent to determine, is this classroom teacher open to trying things? Are they open to viewing your son as a kid who is bright, who wants to be successful, who developmentally is struggling with some of these things but wants to do well and needs some different support? Is he or she open to that or not? That allows you to get a sense of what’s really happening there so that you can make the best decisions around what kind of environment is appropriate for your child, what different kinds of things might need to happen for school, those types of things. So I would definitely encourage you to schedule a meeting and just keep open collaborative communication and throw some of these suggestions out that I shared today and see what the feedback is and how those can be implemented. So I hope, Jessica, that this is helpful for you, and I hope that it’s helpful for any of you with kids who are physically active and need movement to focus and learn. Look for my next episode coming up, and I will be back next week with another Q&A for you. 

Remember, if you have a question that you would like to hear answered on a future show, email it to us at [email protected]. Thanks as always for listening, and I’ll catch you back here next time.

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4-year-old dies after being hit by truck in Walton County

WALTON COUNTY, Fla. (WJHG/WECP) - Walton County officials are investigating an accident Tuesday afternoon that took the life of a 4-year-old.

It happened on a major highway in Miramar Beach around 3:30.

A Florida Highway Patrol report states it was a truck vs. pedestrian accident at Scenic Gulf Drive and Highway 98.

The report says a 65-year-old man from Defuniak Springs was turning from Scenic Gulf Drive onto Highway 98.

That’s when a 40-year-old man riding a bicycle pulling a child in a tow-behind cart was crossing the street.

The cyclist and truck collided in the intersection.

The cyclist sustained minor injuries and the child was pronounced dead on the scene.

Both roadways were closed while investigators worked the case. They are back open.

Copyright 2024 WJHG. All rights reserved.

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

7 Ways to Stop the Parent-Child Power Struggle Over Homework

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Do you find yourself in full-on homework battles most nights of the week? It’s no surprise that most children and teens will dig in their heels when it comes to doing schoolwork. Think of it this way: How many kids want to do something that isn’t particularly exciting or pleasant? Most would prefer to be playing video games, riding their bikes or driving around with friends, especially after a long day of school and activities.

As long as you believe you are accountable (or to blame) for your child’s outcome, you are under her control.

The underlying truth here is that you and your child might already be caught in a power struggle over this. Like most parents, you probably want your children to do well and be responsible. Maybe you worry about your child’s future. After all, doing homework and chores are your child’s prime responsibilities, right? Let’s face it, it’s easy to get anxious when your kids are not doing what they’re supposed to be doing—and when you know how important doing schoolwork is. And when you believe you are ultimately responsible for the choices your child makes (and many of us do, consciously and unconsciously), the ante is upped and the tug of war begins.

Nagging, Lecturing and Yelling—But Nothing Changes?

If you’re in the habit of threatening, lecturing, questioning your child, nagging or even screaming at them “do the work!” (and trust me, we’ve all been there), you probably feel like you’re doing whatever it takes to get your kids on track. But when you’re in your child’s head, there’s no room for him to think for himself. And unfortunately, the more anxious you are, the more you’ll hold on in an attempt to control him and push him toward the task at hand. What happens then? Your child will resist by pushing back. That’s when the power struggle ensues. Your child, in essence, is saying, “I own my own life—stay out!” Now the battle for autonomy is getting played out around homework and chores, and exactly what you feared and hoped to avoid gets created.

This is very aggravating for parents to say the least. Many of us get trapped into thinking we are responsible for our child’s choices in life. As long as you believe you are accountable (or to blame) for your child’s outcome, you are under their control. This is because you will need your child to make those good choices—do the work—so you will feel that you’re doing a good job. Your child’s behavior becomes a reflection of you. You are now at your child’s mercy as you trying to get him to do what you want him to do so you can feel validated as a good parent. Your child does not want to be taking care of your emotional well-being, so he will naturally resist.

When kids are not following through on their responsibilities, it can easily trigger a number of feelings in parents. Note that your child did not cause these feelings, but rather triggered feelings that already belong to you. You might be triggered by a feeling of anger because you feel ineffective or fear that your child will never amount to anything. Or you might feel guilt about not doing a good enough job as a parent. Here’s the truth:  You have to be careful not to let these triggered feelings cause you to push your kids harder so that you can feel better. One of the toughest things parents have to do is learn how to soothe their own difficult feelings rather than ask their children to do that for them. This is the first step in avoiding power struggles.

Why are power struggles important to avoid? They inadvertently create just what you’ve feared. Your child is living his life in reaction to you rather than making his own independent choices. Learning how to make those choices is a necessary skill that develops self-motivation.  How can you avoid ending up in these battles? Here are 7 tips that can really help.

1. You are not responsible for your child’s choices

Understand that you are not responsible for the choices your child makes in his life. It’s impossible to take on that burden without a battle for control over another human being. Measure your success as a parent by how you behave — not by what your child chooses to do or not do. Doing a good job as a parent means that you have done all that you can do as a responsible person. It does not mean that you have raised a perfect person who has made all the right choices. Once you really get this, you won’t be so anxious about your child’s behaviors, actions, and decisions. You will be able to see your child from objective, not subjective, lenses and therefore be able to guide their behavior, because you’ll have seen what he actually needs.

2. You cannot make someone care—but you can influence them

You cannot get a person to do or care about what they don’t want to do or care about. Our kids have their own genetics, roles, and ultimately their own free will. So focusing on getting your child to change or getting something from her will not work long-term and will most often turn into a power struggle. What you can do is try to influence your child using only what is in your own hands. For example, when it comes to homework, you can structure the environment to create the greatest probability that the work will get done.

3. Think about the “fences” you’d like to create for your child

Take charge of your own best thinking and decisions rather than trying to control your child’s. Pause, think and decide what fences you want to create for your child. What are your bottom lines? Know what you can and can’t do as a parent. Recognize that what will make the biggest difference to your child (and helping him become a responsible kid who makes good choices) will be learning how to inspire him, not control him. Building a positive relationship with your kids is your best parenting strategy. Children want to please the people in their lives that they have loving feelings toward. You cannot ultimately make them accept your values, but you can inspire them to do so. Getting a child to listen to you is primarily about setting up the conditions under which they choose to do so. In order to do this, make a conscious effort to sprinkle your relationship with more positive interactions than negative ones. Hug, show affection, laugh together, and spend time with one another. Point out your appreciations most instead of constantly correcting, instructing, teaching, yelling, complaining, or reprimanding.  Don’t get me wrong, you need to correct and reprimand as a parent. But make a conscious effort so that every time you do this, you will follow it with many positive interactions. The human brain remembers the negatives much more than the positives. Most kids will be happy to listen and be guided by the people in their lives who they like and respect.

4. Should you give consequences when kids don’t do homework?

Parents always ask whether or not they should give consequences to kids if they don’t do their homework—or instead just let the chips fall where they may.  I think you can give consequences, and that might work temporarily—maybe even for a while. Perhaps your child will learn to be more responsible or to use anxiety about the consequences to motivate themselves. You can’t change someone else, but consequences might help them get some homework done. You can’t “program” your child to care about their work, but you can create a work environment that promotes a good work ethic. Kids who regularly get their homework done and study do better throughout school and overall in life.

5. How structuring the environment can encourage studying

Again, you can’t make a child do anything that he doesn’t feel like doing, but you can structure his environment to create the greatest probability that the work will get done. When your child’s grades slip, or you find that he’s not getting his work in on time, you are automatically “invited in” to supervise and help him get on track. You can make sure that for certain periods of time, he will not be able to do anything other than schoolwork. The rule is during that time, no electronics are allowed—just homework and studying. By doing this, you are providing a structure to do what your child probably can’t do yet for himself. The hour and a half that you set aside should be a time when you will be around to enforce the rules that you have set. Give a fixed amount of time and once that time is up, your child is free to go elsewhere, homework done or not. Stay consistent with this plan, even if he fights you on it. This plan will accomplish the possibility that your child will get some homework done and maybe over time, create some better work habits. That’s all. This plan should be in place, whether or not he has homework. He can read, review or study if he doesn’t have any during that time. Let him know that these rules will change when his grades begin to reflect his potential and when you are not getting negative reports from teachers about missing homework. When he accomplishes this, tell him you will be happy to have him be fully in charge of his own homework.

6. Parents of Defiant kids

 Extremely defiant kids who don’t seem to care about consequences really try their parents. Some of these kids suffer from ADHD, ODD, learning disabilities, emotional issues and many other issues. Defiance has become a way for them to try and solve their problems. With defiant kids, parents need to be very cognizant of working to develop positive relationships, no matter how difficult. Above all, work to avoid getting pulled into a power struggle. Your child will need many more learning opportunities and more rewards and negative consequences—and more time to learn these lessons than less defiant child. And if nothing changes, and your child continues to be defiant, you must continue to work on your own patience and be thoughtful about your own bottom line. Most important, continue to love your child and keep showing up.

7. Your simple message to your child

Be clear, concise and direct. Your simple message to your kids, which does not require lectures or big sit down conversations is, “Your job is to take care of your responsibilities, which includes getting your homework done and helping out in the house. That’s my expectation for you. Once you’ve done that each day, you are welcome to do what you’d like.” Remember, as a parent your job is to essentially help your child do her job.

Related content: What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled from School “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over School Work

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Frustrated mom This is by far the very worst parenting advice I have ever heard. Can it be anymore vague and general? There’s literally nothing in this article that deals with actually doing homework! In fact it is more so a guide on things that most parents already know and should More be doing! The other part of this article is basically saying that you should allow your child to be their own authority. Do kids not need to learn to obey rules in today’s world? A lesson in life is that your children aren’t always going to be given a choice and when they are given a choice, it doesn’t mean they’re going to like any of the possible outcomes. Allowing them to think they have a choice in order to circumvent basic responsibilities is completely and utterly counter productive! I had to do homework when I was a kid whether I liked it or not! I knew this even as a small child. Children historically do not make the best decisions on their own. There’s a reason we have an age where it’s considered by society that you’re officially an adult. Until children reach that age, they don’t have a choice!

I am a special education preschool educator. Yes, I do send homework home for the following reasons:1. It starts good habits relating to reinforcing skills taught at school.

2. It allows me to educate and inform parents on what skills children need to be learning.

3. Some skills need more effort to be learned- such as name writing.

4. I want my kiddos to have a headstart and school is important! Homework is a way of getting kids ahead.

Hands down- my kiddos who learn skills at home- for example "economics homework" are more likely to master this skill when taught at school AND at home! It helps! Trust me! and all kiddos undergo assessments when entering kindergarten and often it is considered a predictor in success for the year!

georgeesmith Very methodical, can give a try to make it possible :)

lisakelper9 Sounds good but very hard to implement in reality. But still its a good attempt.

JackRusso1 I disagree with this as a whole. This person has no idea what children are really like. Children are stressed a lot, nagging them won't help. They don't want to talk about homework at home because then the parent asks irritating questions. It's not that they don't care, it's that More they need to do things on their own. When a parent is constantly on their backs the child gets stressed out. In my eyes, few parents understand this. Believe it or not...I'm 13 and I can do better then you. This isn't a helpful list of tips, it's a list of how to make the situation worse!

Oh my goodness!   This all sounds very charming but has no real application!  

Let me give you my scenario of raising a "Defiant" child:

Our homework structure is that she work at her well organized desk...quite charming in fact.  

She is expected to work 15 minutes per subject which is a grand total of an hour and 30 min.

No tech unless all work is complete and no matter what, no tech before 6:30 pm.

Down time for reading (which she loves) is after homework and her home chore is done.

we have a rewards currency.  We have a consequence system.  

Guess what?  It is not that simple.  She will waste her time "studying" so we require her to log notes on what she is reading so does not just sit and stare at her books for an hour and a half (which she will do).  We periodically check her log as she is working and help review info.  Again...quite charming.

She is failing most of her subjects because she does not bring ANY assigned work home.  None.  And then she lies about the work that we track down.  

She is not internally nor externally motivated. 

Sometimes a child is not emotionally mature enough to handle things like this and their brains are unable to really connect action and consequence.  Sometimes you need to let your child fail.  I hear from her teachers "I have no idea what to do with _________"  My response is....there is nothing YOU can do.  Only what ______ can do and she chooses not to.

A child who is unable to focus on learning is focusing on something else instead.  For my daughter it is the undying need for acceptance....peer acceptance.  So how to retrain the brain is tough.  Wish me luck because THERE IS NO ANSWER!  THERE IS NO FIX!

I often wonder about the value of homework. While I appreciate the article and noted some key takeaways here that will be very helpful to me, such as "Learn how to inspire, not control" and "Measure your success as a parent by how you behave"...I often find myself yelling at my seven year old angel because she just doesn't have an interest in learning..and then I spend the rest of the night disgusted with myself for being angry with her. She is the sweetest, most lovable little girl filled with street smarts. But she's behind in school, slow with reading, and fights me constantly with her homework.

I stepped up over the summer and had assignments all summer long so she could hopefully catch up. But little has changed. She continues to have no interest, which I interpret as lazy. She would much rather watch Netflix or play; something I try to balance. I wasn't a great student in school but I did love homework. I hated the "institution" and rebelled against control. But I've managed to make a good life for myself because I've been highly motivated, driven and disciplined. My concern is she doesn't seem to have those traits...yet. It might still be too soon. However, I struggle to push too hard (contrary to how it sounds) because I'm a big advocate of work-life balance.

She is busy all day with school and activities and the idea of having her do more when she gets home before she rests, plays or unwinds, seems like corporal punishment. Yes. And I'm not dramatic. But really? I get the importance of establishing a good work ethic. However,  I work all day. When I get home, I'm tired. I take a break before I tend to house chores. Nothing gets neglected but I pace myself. I also take home work but that's done later in the evening, after I've tended to my family AND had some down time. Don't kids deserve down time too?

I hate putting this pressure on my child, yet I know the pressure she feels being a slower reader, struggling with phonetics, etc. is as great if not worse. I can see her as a very successful person later on because she has very strong social skills and a kindness that far surpasses most of the other kids I've seen. But I struggle with finding that balance between pushing academics and just letting time prove itself. I am a big advocate of moderation and balance, yet I really struggle with applying that value in today's academic world which starts as young as kindergarten!

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• 1. The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework
• 2. What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled From School
• 3. "My Child Refuses to Do Homework" — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork
• 4. Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker
• 5. Young Kids in School: Help for the Top 4 Behavior Problems
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National Hurricane Preparedness Week reminds you to get ready now for storms

HOUSTON, Texas (KTRK) -- This week is National Hurricane Preparedness Week across the country, a reminder that hurricane season is just around the corner. Hurricane season begins on June 1 and lasts all the way through the end of November. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), the National Weather Service, and ABC13 want to encourage you to begin preparing for hurricane season now so you can be ready if a storm were to make its way toward Houston.

Some examples of what to do now are restocking hurricane kits and reviewing the latest evacuation procedures if you live within an evacuation zone.

And we're no stranger to tropical storms here in southeast Texas. The last system to make landfall in the region was Hurricane Nicholas in September 2022. It made landfall near Sargent Beach in Matagorda County as a category one hurricane, with 94 mph measured in Matagorda Bay. Over half a million people were left without power across the state because of that. Nicholas also dropped up to 15 inches of rain, mainly near the coast.

On Tuesday, ABC13 visited the First United Methodist Church in Dickinson. Feet of floodwaters filled the sanctuary of the church during Hurricane Harvey, and nearly everything had to be replaced. Greg Goodman is a member of the congregation and was there to help clean up the church after Harvey. The lessons learned from the recovery after the storm are something he carries with him today and is reminded of during this time of year.

For more on this story, follow Elyse Smith on Facebook , X and Instagram .

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Stormy Daniels testifies in Trump's hush money trial

From CNN's Kara Scannell, Lauren Del Valle and Jeremy Herb in the courthouse

Here are takeaways from Stormy Daniels' testimony on Tuesday

From CNN's Jeremy Herb, Lauren del Valle and Kara Scannell

Adult film star Stormy Daniels dished out salacious details of her sexual encounter with former President  Donald Trump  in 2006 from the witness stand on Tuesday, describing how they met at a celebrity golf tournament and what she says happened when she went to Trump’s Lake Tahoe hotel room.

In a mostly casual and conversational tone, Daniels recounted details from the floors and furniture in Trump’s hotel room to the contents of his toiletry kit in the bathroom. At one point in court, Daniels threw back her arm and lifted her leg in the witness box to re-create the moment she says Trump posed on his hotel bed for her, stripped down to his undergarments.

But some details Daniels described were so explicit that  Judge Juan Merchan  cut her off at several points. And Trump’s lawyers argued that Daniels had unfairly prejudiced the jury, asking Merchan to declare a mistrial. The judge denied the request but added that some of the details from Daniels were “better left unsaid.”

Here are takeaways from Day 13 of the trial:

Hush money came after "Access Hollywood" tape controversy: Daniels would go on to describe how she stayed touch with Trump, even coming to briefly see him at Trump Tower to talk about the “Celebrity Apprentice” reality show. Daniels said that in 2015 after Trump began running for president, her then-publicist Gina Rodriguez tried to sell her story. But Rodriguez didn’t find much interest until after the “Access Hollywood” tape of Trump was released in October 2016 – eventually leading to the discussions with AMI and then Michael Cohen, who paid Daniels $130,000 not to go public with her case.

Judge denies Trump’s mistrial motion: Trump’s lawyers argued the judge should declare a mistrial after the morning of salacious testimony from Daniels. Trump still vehemently denies the allegations, his attorney Todd Blanche said, arguing there was no way to “un-ring that bell” for jurors who have now heard unfairly prejudicial testimony. Blanche argued that the testimony had nothing to do with the district attorney’s case about falsifying business records.

Defense accuses Daniels of lying for profit: Trump attorney Susan Necheles didn’t take long to challenge Daniels’ story in cross-examination, accusing the adult film actress of hating Trump.

• “Am I correct that you hate President Trump?” Necheles asked
• “Yes,” Daniels said.
• “You want him to go to jail?” Necheles continued.
• “I want him to be held accountable,” Daniels responded.

Daniels’ body language was tense and her tone notably shifted as Necheles attempted to dismantle her credibility. Daniels gave short, terse answers to many of her questions, defiantly responding “false” and “no” while disputing Necheles’ assertions that she had made up details in her story or that she was trying to extort Trump.

Read more takeaways from Tuesday's testimony

Judge said he won’t tolerate Trump’s cursing and head shaking during Daniels’ testimony, transcript shows

From CNN's Laura Dolan

During the mid-morning break, Judge Juan Merchan called defense attorney Todd Blanche to the bench and ordered him to speak to former President Donald Trump about his “contemptuous” behavior during Stormy Daniels’ testimony Tuesday.

“I understand that your client is upset at this point, but he is cursing audibly, and he is shaking his head visually and that’s contemptuous,” Merchan said to Blanche, according to the court transcript. “It has the potential to intimidate the witness and the jury can see that.”

Merchan said he decided to speak to Blanche at the bench because he did not want to embarrass Trump. “You need to speak to him. I won’t tolerate that,” Merchan said.

Blanche again said he would talk to Trump.

Merchan then described Trump's inappropriate behavior. 

“One time I noticed when Ms. Daniels was testifying about rolling up the magazine, and presumably smacking your client, and after that point, he shook his head and he looked down. And later, I think he was looking at you, Mr. Blanche, later when we were talking about "The Apprentice," at that point he again uttered a vulgarity and looked at you this time,” Merchan said.

Here's what happened Tuesday at Trump’s hush money criminal trial

From CNN’s Aditi Sangal 

Here are the highlights from Tuesday in court:

Two witnesses on the stand: Adult film actress Stormy Daniels and Sally Franklin, the senior vice president and executive managing editor for Penguin Random House publishing group. 

Here’s what to know about their testimonies: 

Sally Franklin: The publishing executive was first on the stand and she testified for 46 minutes as a records custodian, pursuant to a subpoena . 

• Prosecutors used her testimony to enter excerpts from Trump’s books into evidence. 
• Franklin was asked about the role of a ghostwriter in writing the book, and she testified that she didn’t know how much the ghostwriter contributed, but she was aware that the ghostwriter helped. 

Stormy Daniels: Before the jury was called in on Tuesday, the defense renewed its objection to her testimony. Judge Juan Merchan said he agreed with Trump's attorneys that she has credibility issues, but that's why the prosecutors need to be given a chance to establish her credibility. He ruled it's fine to elicit that Trump and Daniels had sex. "That’s fine. But we don’t need to know the details," he said. 

• Daniels said she was subpoenaed.  
• First meeting: She described her first meeting with Trump at a Lake Tahoe celebrity golf tournament. In a hotel room with Trump, she said she had a "very brief" conversation about his wife, Melania. Daniels said Trump mentioned there may be a spot for her on "Celebrity Apprentice." She then went on to describe the details of their sexual encounter in 2006. Afterwards, she said she “left as fast as I could” and said she told "very few people that we had actually had sex because I felt ashamed that I didn’t stop it."  
• No confidentiality concerns:  Daniels said Trump did not express concern about his wife, Melania, nor did he ask Daniels to keep the encounter confidential. 
• Continued interactions:  Daniels testified she met Trump at a night club the next day and that she began to speak with him often, at times once a week. She said Trump started calling her “honey bunch,” which she described as “weird.” (Trump has denied the affair.) She also detailed meeting Karen McDougal and seeing Trump a few times in 2007. 
• “Access Hollywood” tape: After it came out in 2016, Daniels said she was motivated to get her story out, and later learned from her publicist that Trump and Michael Cohen were interested in buying her story. This marked a shift in her motivations. Daniels wanted to get her story out in 2015, but in 2016, she decided the deal from Trump and Cohen was best, she testified. 
• A $130,000 agreement : Daniels says Trump and Cohen offered her $130,000 for her story, adding the agreement was a nondisclosure agreement, which benefited Trump. Daniels said she wanted it done quickly. She said, if it wasn't done before the election, "I wouldn’t be safe or that he wouldn’t pay and there would be a trail to keep me safe." She outlined how the original hush money deal fell apart because the funds weren’t paid on time and that the deal was revived with a new NDA . 
• Cross-examination: Under questioning from Trump attorney Susan Necheles, Daniels said that she hated the former president and wanted him to be held accountable. She confirmed she still owed Trump $560,000 in legal fees after she lost the defamation suit against him. Daniels also testified that while she’s made money telling her story , it’s also cost her a lot of money. 

What’s next: The defense indicated it will continue cross-examining Daniels on Thursday. Court is dark on Wednesday. Prosecution has also said it will do a round of re-direct. 

Here's a timeline of key events in Donald Trump's hush money case

From CNN’s Lauren del Valle, Kara Scannell, Annette Choi and Gillian Roberts 

Prosecutors zeroed in on the hush money payment at the center of the case against Donald Trump as Stormy Daniels took the stand today.

Here's a timeline CNN compiled of key events in the case that Daniels was asked about:

• August 2015: Trump  meets with then-American Media Inc. CEO David Pecker  at Trump Tower, prosecutors say, where Pecker agrees to be the “eyes and ears” for Trump’s campaign and flag any negative stories to Trump’s then-fixer Michael Cohen.
• September 2016: Trump discusses a $150,000 hush money payment understood to be for former Playboy model Karen McDougal with Michael Cohen who secretly records the conversation . McDougal has alleged she had an extramarital affair with Trump beginning in 2006, which he has denied. 
• October 7, 2016: The Washington Post releases an "Access Hollywood" video from 2005 in which Trump uses vulgar language to describe his sexual approach to women with show host Billy Bush. 
• October 27, 2016: According to prosecutors, Cohen pays Daniels $130,000 through her attorney via a shell company in exchange for her silence about an affair she allegedly had with Trump in 2006. This $130,000 sum is separate from the $150,000 paid to McDougal. Trump has publicly denied having any affairs and has denied making the payments. 
• November 8, 2016: Trump secures the election to become the 45th President of the United States. 
• February 2017: Prosecutors say Cohen meets with Trump in the Oval Office to confirm how he would be reimbursed for the hush money payment Cohen fronted to Daniels. Under the plan, Cohen would send a series of false invoices requesting payment for legal services he performed pursuant to a retainer agreement and receive monthly checks for $35,000 for a total of $420,000 to cover the payment, his taxes and a bonus, prosecutors alleged. Prosecutors also allege there was never a retainer agreement. 
• January 2018: The Wall Street Journal breaks news about the hush money payment Cohen made to Daniels in 2016. 

See a full timeline and read up on the key players in the case below:

Meanwhile: Federal judge indefinitely postpones Trump classified documents trial

From CNN’s Katelyn Polantz, Hannah Rabinowitz and Holmes Lybrand

Judge Aileen Cannon has indefinitely postponed Donald Trump’s classified documents trial in Florida, citing significant issues around classified evidence that would need to be worked out before the federal criminal case goes to a jury. 

In an order Tuesday, Cannon canceled the May trial date and did not set a new date.

Remember: The hush money criminal trial against former President Donald Trump is one of  four criminal cases  he faces while juggling his presidential campaign.

Trump says hush money case is a disaster for the DA

From CNN's Maureen Chowdhury

Donald Trump called the prosecution's hush money case against him a disaster in remarks outside of the Manhattan court on Tuesday.

“This was a very big day, a very revealing day as you see their case is totally falling apart. They have nothing on books and records and even something that shouldn’t bear very little relationship to the case — it’s just a disaster for the DA,” Trump said.

Trump did not discuss witness Stormy Daniels while he spoke to reporters.

The former president said he should be campaigning instead of sitting in court and thanked reporters for waiting outside the court all day.

Daniels testified for 3 hours and 44 minutes today

Stormy Daniels testified for a total of 3 hours and 44 minutes today.

She's expected to return to the stand Thursday to answer more questions from Trump's attorneys.

Daniels says: "I was pushing. I wanted to tell my story"

Before the judge cut her off, attorney Susan Necheles asked Stormy Daniels whether the text messages between her then-agent Gina Rodriguez and Dylan Howard of the National Enquirer showed that she was trying to sell her story.

"I was pushing, I wanted to tell my story, yes," Daniels says.

Judge is dismissing jury for the day

Judge Juan Merchan cuts off Trump attorney Susan Necheles to dismiss the jurors for the day.

"Alright jurors, let's call it a day," he says.

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