hugh gallagher college essay reddit

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This delightful college application essay became a chain letter and a meme, and it took me some time the other year to find the original.  It was written by Hugh Gallagher in 1989, who sent it to at least one college when he applied in ’89, and it won a 1990 Scholastic writing contest.  (You may also know the author as Antwerpian pop sensation VON VON VON  and the author of Teeth .  More from him on his website .)

I repost it here for posterity and formatting, as an additional copy of the OG platinum version  hosted by Prof. Susan Stepney. It has also been published in Harper’s & The Guardian in 1994 & 5, and on Alec Saunders’s blog , where commenters include the niece of one of the author’s NYU profs, and note  heavy reuse  by Kevin Gilbert.

Links to variations are welcome.  Common bits people change include “slurs for Cuban refugees”, “I cook Thirty Minute Brownies”, “scouted by the Mets”, “covert operations for the CIA”, and the last sentence.

2018 update : corrected to the ur-version thanks to Hugh’s comment and Susan’s archive!

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.  

[…] I am a dynamic figure […]

It pleases me most to know that the author, Hugh Gallagher, did actually send this to colleges.

I see that you are not displaying the original text. Yours looks like it has been added to and modified by someone without regard for the flow and humour of the original. Changes like MI5->CIA, being scouted by the METS, translating racial slurs, and cooking 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes, make it a lesser piece.

Anyway, here is the original:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran of love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my back garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby d|ck, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for MI5. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on holiday, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

drovoum: Gallagher was American, so I don’t know why he would have said MI5. The modified version you first read seems to have been written by Jonathan Butters at Sheffield.

I’ve found a link to Alec Saunders’ excellent blog, which has the best history of this (letter, author) I have seen. Apparently you can find early audio of it as well… time to update the piece.

“30 minute brownies in 20 minutes” I love it, I find the bluegrass cello part right up my alley.

i am at the moment writing a personal statement and this really has inspired me, it dosent matter what the original was, it matters that this person had the artistic temperment to think of such a piece of what is essentially art.

Can anyone who knows SJ count how many of these he has actually done? only needs to be partially modified, which brings me linguistic cosquillas. There is no word for “the tickles” in English, is there?

No, but we do say “the giggles”…

Was he a prophet? The description is very close to what a life of a successful internet marketer looks like…

Wow what an hallucination, or could it be he has he perfected the art of time management through simple time distortion? Either way I like his vision and as a keen bike rider his ability to pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. Ah I remember those days. Thank you. This piece brought a smile to my face and rabid ideas for my diary.

Webmaster of Park PCS10

With the brains curses an appealing information. The conductor properties the expenditure. A sentient smell stumbles. How do a helping lavatory harm? Why can’t a yowl strip the ironic bread toasted? When will the decide performer whistle?

Yes and after three hours in his company everyone hated him

So true! -Ed.

kinda funny, but a little derivative of Carlin’s “Modern Man” poem

Seems very poetic. Can see myself repeating this over and over for good vibes in the morning “I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.” Guy Matt.

The big stake is a gigantic product of cash that you can win in space recreations depending on if you hit the right fusion. Individuals as far and wide as possible have ended up being moment tycoons with space amusements and you might be afterward!

Fusion it is.

Wow he seems to be really great in multi-tasking.

I just now read the essay in my Creative Writing class! I was wondering if anyone knows what the applicant meant by “critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear…” and “last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration”. Maybe it is my poor 8th grade vocabulary, however, I would like some help. I don’t understand his rhetorical strategies… Any suggestions?

I’m glad this is being read in creative writing, he certainly used some creative strategies. Humor through exaggeration, humor through a familiar phrase in an unfamiliar place, reuse of common advertising phrases in unexpected or ridiculous contexts. Good luck!

I really appreciate you, I think glass is very important as we use it for many purposes.

It is quite fun to find this here! This essay was the one that got me into college essay writing.

Hi I’m Hugh Gallagher and I wrote this essay. I am flattered and honored it lives on and is part of your site. Slight heads up tho– your version here has some missing/altered words. The OG platinum version lives online here: https://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/susan/joke/essay.htm

and lots of stuff I’ve done since then lives at http://www.hughgallagher.net

cheers. apply yourself, and the world is yours

Oh, that’s fantastic. Thanks Hugh, delighted to hear from you, and to link to the true source & your current work! I regret that your comment was caught in a spam filter for a bit… another facet of an internet where it’s hard to find originals of things we love.

My friend Mako and I endeavored to spread the love of VON³ around Cambridge a few years back: thanks for continuing to bring light to wayward corners of the world.

Bad Behavior has blocked 252 access attempts in the last 7 days.

Fact Check: College essay won an award, but it wasn't real

An email filling inboxes and circulating around social media touts the funniest, most outrageous "college application essay" ever written.

The facts: It's real. But it wasn't really used to apply for college. It did lead to a writing career.

David Emery, the urban legends researcher for the information website About.com, says that this piece has been around since 1990.

The essay is an answer to a college application question asking for any significant experiences or accomplishments that have helped to define you as a person:

"I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks ... I write award-winning operas ... Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. ... I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.

"Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. ...

You get the idea. The essay ends:

"I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college."

The email states that the author was accepted and is attending NYU.

The essay was written in 1990 by high school student Hugh Gallagher.

In an video interview with The Wall Street Journal, Gallagjer said he thought it was ridiculous that a college application would ask for an essay about the accomplishments of a 17-year-old, so he decided to have fun with it.

He entered the essay in the humor category of the Scholastic Writing Awards and won first prize, Emery found. The text was then published in Literary Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary student writing, and reprinted in Harper's and The Guardian before taking off as one of the most forwarded viral emails of the 1990s.

Though it was not Gallagher's actual college application essay, he did submit it as a sample of his writing to various colleges. He was accepted under scholarship to New York University, from where he graduated in 1994, according to Emery's research.

Gallagher told the Wall Street Journal that the essay has appeared many places, including dating site profiles.

Gallagher is now a writer in New York; Pocket Books published his first novel, "Teeth," in March 1998.

12 Unforgettable College Application Essays

It's been a long time since I penned my college application essays, but that doesn't mean I don't still appreciate them. On the contrary: I think memorable college admissions essays are to be applauded. Why? Because anyone who can make theirs interesting, thus bringing a modicum of relief to those who have to actually sit there and plow through them all, definitely deserves some acknowledgment for their work. And hey, wouldn't you know it? That's the subject of today's AskReddit thread: “ College admissions counselors of Reddit , what's the weirdest/worst/most memorable essay you've read?”

As is wont to happen in an AskReddit thread, many — possibly even the majority, although I haven't actually counted them, so do with that what you will — of the responses did not come from their intended source; in this case, we're talking about college admissions officers. Some of them were submitted by the people who wrote them; others by people who knew the writers in question; and still others have the “a friend of a friend who dated my cousin's best friend” level of remove that can sometimes bring their veracity into question. Either way, though, they're all good for a laugh — and a few of them might even teach you something. Full steam ahead for a wide variety of lessons in what to do while writing your college application essays — and what not to do, too.

Here are 12 of the most notable examples; head on over to AskReddit for more . Oh, and for anyone who's waiting on their acceptance letters? Good luck! I believe in you!

1. The Theory of Cat/Toast Equilibrium

But… what does happen? I must know!

While we're on the subject, the University of Chicago seems like they've mastered the art of making college applications not boring for the people who actually have to read them. Check out some of essay prompts from this year's app:

Not going to lie: I am considering writing answers for them just for the hell of it. Because you know what? It actually sounds — dare I say it? — fun.

2. Law and Order: College Application Essays Unit

I would imagine that would be a pretty terrifying read. Quick, teach her to use her powers for the forces of good!

3. The Legendary Hugh Gallagher Essay

You may already be familiar with this one, but for the curious, here's the story behind it: Humorist, writer, and musician Hugh Gallagher penned the glorious satiric creation excerpted here for Scholastic Press' national writing contest when he was in high school. Unsurprisingly, he won. For some years, there was confusion surrounding whether or not he actually used it as his college essay; in 1998, though, Gallagher emailed University of York comp sci professor Susan Stepney , who had posted the essay on her website, noting that he did in fact send it along with his applications. For the curious, he ultimately attended NYU. Here's the permalink for the full comment — it's worth just for the final line. Trust me.

4. The Power of the Mighty Trombone

I was unable to discern whether or not this one actually happened or whether it's just an urban legend — but I'm willing to bet it's the latter. Either way, though, I think it's a terrible way to try to teach the “think outside the box” lesson; I feel like it encourages laziness more than anything else. But maybe that's just me.

5. How to Get Into Yale

That, though? That's pretty funny. Well played.

6. The Key to Effective Multitasking

Here's the thing with writing humorous college application essays: They only work if you're actually… y'know… funny. I feel like maybe the right person might have been able to make this idea work, but the execution of the idea this time around just wasn't up to par. However, this also happened:

Small world, no?

7. Art History Is Best History

Either the admissions officers loved it, or they didn't actually read it. The jury's still out on which one it is.

8. We Are Gathered Here Today…

To be fair, I'm not totally sure what's to be gained by sending your own obituary as a college essay; unless the prompt was something like, “Write whatever you want, as long as it is at least 500 words long,” it doesn't seem like it would really answer any questions the admissions committee might be relying on the essay to fill them in about. At the same time, though, clearly someone could have used a little Journalism 101.

9. An Act of Valor

This one was copied from another thread and pasted in this one , but I think it's definitely a winner.

10. The Importance of Proofreading

Ouch. Just… ouch.

11. The Legacies

Oh, come on. I wouldn't blame these two for using their legacy to help them get a leg up — but relying solely on it like this? That's cheating. Also, shame on the school that let them get away with it.

12. Hardboiled Washington

I hope this Redditor is planning on studying creative writing. You've got a great future ahead of you, kid — even if you do need a little work with your punctuation and grammar.

Images: churl /Flickr; Giphy (2); Pandawhale

How Hugh Gallagher Got Into NYU... (his actual essay)

<p>mattistotle, essays make up .1% of NYU’s decision???</p>

<p>are you kidding? I thought that essays matter A LOT at <em>all</em> elite colleges! i thought it’s what make or break you everywhere.</p>

<p>This is the most creative college admission essay any school has probably ever received. Which one of you that’s criticizing this essay would ever be able to create something like this? Even if you could… which one of you would actually have the balls to send it to a school like NYU? This kid obviously through this thing together in a few minutes, sent it to a top school in the nation and impressed them enough with it to be accepted, </p>

<p>THATS WHAT MOST PEOPLE CALL A GENIUS!!! </p>

<p>Look at many of the greatest American writers… they had novels published by the time they were 21 or 22… PURE GENIUS </p>

<p>OH and that person who said 6 of their teachers gave them this essay when he/she asked for advice… My advice to you is take their advice stupid, </p>

<p>Now too many people might try to copy Hugh and that isnt going to work but the key is USE YOUR HEAD and do something out of the ordinary with your essay. Don’t just follow the rules or the prompt. Hugh probably applied to more schools than just NYU. NYU just saw the potential. </p>

<p>AND ITS ****EN HILLARIOUS… those of you who don’t think so must not have a sense of humor.</p>

<p>That is an essay.</p>

<p>it completely fails to answer the questions, though. Yes, he’s creative, but we know nothing about him besides that.</p>

<p>I’ve seen people say this was an essay for everything from NYU to Harvard to prestigious scholarships.</p>

<p>Me, I wrote my college essay about almost falling down a set of steep stone stairs, and I wrote my law school essay about my wallet. Both worked out wonderfully for me.</p>

<p>Some of the topics my college essays were about: extraterrestrial life, lunch meats, almost getting mugged in Spain, stupid things people say in my town, David Bowie</p>

<p>I got into 9 tier 1/top 20 schools, including both the best journalism and creative writing programs in the country. I am not in the top 10% of my class. My school’s valedictorian did not get into an ivy league. I got a 2 on my AP Chem exam last year.</p>

<p>So yeah, I really would like to think my essays helped me get into decent schools. I have some good awards too, but apart from that I don’t think much else on my applications stood out.</p>

<p>I couldn’t disagree more. After having read that essay, I can tell he is not only creative, but ballsy, articulate, and has a great sense of humor. His personality is shining through; it’s genuine. This is more than I can say about someone who writes the usual BS “how I learned leadership from sports/being student body president/insert extracurricular activity here” or the “why I admire my mom” essays.</p>

<p>nyu<em>times</em>two, those essays sound very intriguining! i would love to read them if you wouldnt mind sending them to me :)</p>

<p>@bondgirl0409</p>

<p>Haha, I actually don’t have them, as one was swallowed up by my crashing computer and the other just sort of disappeared somewhere. I think as long as a prospective writes about something relatively unique and manages to get their personality to come through, the admissions people will be impressed.</p>

<p>I heard about this ages ago. I was like in 9th or 10th grade when I first read it. </p>

<p>I looked it up today to have a giggle and it gave me one. It’s so brilliant.</p>

<p>If he DID send this to NYU, I think I have to make love to Hugh Gallagher.</p>

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The Ultimate College Application Essay

Hugh Gallagher: Teeth

For a man who has made a career out of holding anything and everything in disdain, Gore Vidal is awfully generous with his frequent book-jacket blurbs. In the latest, he proclaims Teeth , by first-time novelist Hugh Gallagher, to be "finally, the dental masterpiece we've all been waiting for." Vidal's credibility can be salvaged only if that comment is read sarcastically; it improves somewhat as it goes along, but Teeth is no masterpiece, dental or otherwise. Gallagher is most famous for his 1990 college-application essay that anyone with an e-mail account has probably received 10 times over ("I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice… I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy… But I have not yet gone to college.") While that's clever enough, the NYU education it helped Gallagher obtain, as well as his eight years' experience writing for various publications, ought to have sharpened his skills a bit. There's very little evidence of this in Teeth , however. Part juvenile satire, part stereotypical Gen-X angst-wringing—the protagonist has parents whose only purpose seems to be to serve as a source of psychological distress— Teeth is a shallow, bratty book that hides coffee-shop profundities beneath a veneer of world-weary prose. The story concerns the travels and travails of Neil, a young writer of Irish descent. Unemployed after the collapse of his employer Dusted ("the seminal underground mag of the early '90s"), Neil is set adrift in a world populated by thinly disguised public figures. In place of MTV VJ Kennedy, we have Johnson; there's a rock/hip-hop band called Rage Against The Chili Pepper. Unfortunately, nothing in the book's first third is much more clever than those names—it can only be counted a success if read as a parody of a satire—and Teeth improves only slightly once Neil's quest becomes international, away from such easy, clumsily attacked targets. In Java, he finds some insultingly portrayed natives, and in London, revolutionary squatters serve to complete his disillusionment with the punk ethos. Through it all, Teeth 's protagonist must deal with the problem suggested by the title: a set of damaged dental equipment (and a transparent metaphor) that he refuses to have mended. One character scolds, "Why do you hang on to that stupid pain of yours? Why don't you want to fix it?" By the end, of course, he has, but it scarcely matters. While there are moments that suggest Gallagher might turn out a decent novel at some point, Teeth isn't it.

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The college essay: One student’s take

Autumn is the season of pumpkin spice and colorful leaves. However, at Archbishop Ryan, most seniors have one thing on their minds: college applications.

In many senior English classes throughout the United States, students have began their first drafts of their college application essays, including me.

When thinking of college application essays the same basic questions come to mind, “What is your greatest accomplishment?” “When is a time you challenged a belief?” ”Name an event that transitioned you from childhood to adulthood.”

With so many students answering the same questions, it seems impossible to stand out and avoid cliches. Sure, everyone is different, but it seems like many people produce the same generic responses.

Hugh Gallagher’s NYU application essay has gone down in infamy as the model for unique college essays. Instead of taking the usual approach to the question, Hugh honed his creativity and gave a sarcastic tongue in cheek response:

“I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.”

His quirky essay worked.

Not everyone can be a Hugh Gallagher but everyone can take certain steps to avoid blending in with the crowd.

As a senior myself, I personally am taking a Hugh Gallagher-approach to my essay. I’m better at being satirical than serious.

For my top choice the University of Pittsburgh, I had to produce three short answer responses to the questions, “ How have you overcome failure and what did you learn from it?”, ”How have you exhibited outstanding leadership?”, and “Why is Pitt a good choice for you?”

I approached each question as another opportunity to stand out and showcase my wit.

I turned the questions in on themselves; instead of discussing why Pitt is a good choice for me, I talked about why I’m a good choice for Pitt.

An excerpt from my essay reads, “Someday when prospective students are conducting a google search to learn more about the school a picture of my beautiful smiling face will pop up on the list of notable alumni. When I’m listed in Forbes as one of the wealthiest individuals on the planet I will show my extreme generosity by donating to the school.”

When I first began drafting my essay, I thought about things I found funny from Hugh Gallagher’s essay. I tried to emulate him, while still keeping my own voice.

Most people stick to a more serious response and it typically does work, depending on the quality of the student’s writing.

Jettaka McWilliams, a student in the College Writing course, has chosen to take the serious approach.

“My writing style comes off better when I try to be serious, and if I tried a more sarcastic approach it wouldn’t showcase my writing as well,” stated Jettaka.

No matter what approach students take when writing their college essays it is important to be yourself, and not stress out too much.  

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Hugh Gallagher’s NYU Admissions Essay (really?)

Best. Essay. Ever. Humorist Hugh Gallagher’s brilliant and funny admissions essay for a writing contest and possibly for NYU, his alma mater. I re-read it every once in a while. It’s one of my favorites because it makes me laugh out loud and reminds me to take a step back and try not to get caught up in the pressure many of us feel to ensure that our kids achieve and over-achieve. -Christina

HOW I GOT INTO COLLEGE By Hugh Gallagher

Essay Question : In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

Gallagher ‘s Essay:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller ‘number nine’ and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Christina Simon: Los Angeles, California, United States I'm the mom of two kids who attended The Willows School in Culver City and Viewpoint School in Calabasas. My daughter is a graduate of Northwestern University Medill School of Journalism ('23) and my son is a sophomore at UPenn/Wharton ('26). I live in Coldwater Canyon with my husband, Barry, and our dogs. Contact me at [email protected]

2 thoughts to “Hugh Gallagher’s NYU Admissions Essay (really?)”

LOL! That’s awesome. Well, it shows a lot more creativity (and perhaps a little insanity) than most college entrance essays. 🙂

Sounds familiar

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Ed Paul, Virginia Beach

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College Admissions Essay by Hugh Gallagher

Last updated on June 25th, 2022

This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humour category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in the May issue of Literary Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary fiction and student writing published by Scholastic in New York City. Gallagher, who was eighteen at the time, grew up in Newtown Square, Pennsylvania, and attended New York University that fall. I hope you enjoy this College Admissions Essay by Hugh Gallagher.

3A. In order for the Admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. when I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.

I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

— The END —

I hope you enjoyed this College Admissions Essay by Hugh Gallagher

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Hugh Gallagher’s ‘College Essay’

In honor of pencil day I want to share this essay with you. The following essay was written by Hugh Gallagher, an author and musician from New York. It was confirmed by Gallagher that the following essay was part of his college application process. . .”When I was 17, I wrote the now famous College Application Essay. I was just a kid, very bored, and thought a college essay was a dumb thing to have to write, so I just entertained myself. I made up all this ridiculous stuff, and entered it in a high school writing contest. It won first place and launched my writing career, at the age of 18. When the Internet started, my college application essay became one of the most popular attachments of the Nineties. Everyone was emailing it around, and millions of people read it. Most of them don’t know I wrote it. People don’t believe I sent it to colleges, but I did. . .”  Click here to read more

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.

I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

As someone who wrote her first resume entirely in rhyme and ended up with the job of her dreams at the age of 18, I totally appreciate how useful being bored can be…. Thank you to Cole’s friend Patryk  for the share!

4 thoughts on “ Hugh Gallagher’s ‘College Essay’ ”

Hadn’t seen this one before — what a clever take on a traditionally boring task! No wonder it’s been re-printed so many times. You (and Cole) will see — college admission essays can be a nightmare!

Well I think I will like the essays more than the financial stuff but I am not looking forward to any of it. At least I have plenty of friends to ask for advice that have been through the process and made it to the other side with their sanity still intact. Most of them. 😀

This is amazing. I had never seen it before. College essays are such a drag but once you know what you want to to write about or have an idea it’s much easier. I am sharing this with all the teens in my life! Thanks.

Glad you liked it Liz. I thought it was very inspiring. Share away!

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